I Still Love You

"Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore.  You lost the love I loved the most.  I learned to live half a life.  Now you want me one more time. Who do you think you are?"


I had a fantastic weekend.  Rodeo, beer, music and dancing, horses and family.  But while spending time with my cousins, I saw something in them that I live with in myself.  The in-ability to mend a broken heart.

It's been three years since my world fell apart.  Less than one since all contact ended.  It was the best yet worse thing that has ever happened to me.  The highlight of my life until I lost my love and my health.  It's been a long three years but finally I feel healthy again. I still have a ways to go, but I'm so proud of how far I've come.  My emotions however, have been harder to heal.  We were perfect in so many ways, but we also had tornado in a small town days too.  It's these days I now seem to have forgotten.  The petty fights and harsh words nothing but a faint memory.  I remember the good, hell the great.  I haven't felt that since, and sometimes wonder if I ever will again.  You can apologize, plead and hope, but sometimes nothings ever enough.  I had my days of mourning the past, the self-pity, the hate, regret, a sense of total loss.  Now, I'm just empty.

This weekend I saw the same emptiness in the eyes of my cousins.  The distracted conversations and sudden disappearances.  Ending in the attempt to lose themselves in the arms of another woman.  These boys are brothers and look out for each other, but they don't know how to fix this kind of broken.  They're both completely confused.  The oldest more lost than the other.  I hurt for them because the same pain is still so real for me.  My heart has become a ghost and I miss the one I loved the most.

Love should be easy.  Life isn't, but the true act of loving is the most basic aspect of our lives.  It comes to us naturally, some ignore it, some mistake it for other feelings, and the lucky simply enjoy it.  We all know if it's meant to be so shall it be.  But it's that revelation we can't always come to terms with. 

I wish I could help my cousins, but men don't listen to women well (unless it's their mama).  What's the point in experience if you can't help others. 

I still love you and always will, but we'll never get back what once was, alone or apart.

I Can Laugh

I laughed tonight. Truly and Fully.

My life's highway has gotten a little rough lately.  But I hear a paving crew's coming soon.

When I left work tonight, a half-naked man was standing outside by the soda machines.  Now this isn't just any random man.  He looks homeless but isn't and his name's Joe(last name omitted for privacy of course).  Joe has 3 dogs and a formerly homeless. currently crazy lady and her 2 kids living with him.  He must be in his 50's.  Scruffy, scrubby and icky.  Today his fashion astounded me.  No shirt, cargo shorts, knee-high black socks and his man purse that has chickens on it.

As I drove past the store, Joe was chillin'.  Get this, leaning on against a post, legs crossed, arms crossed, cooly sippin' on a soda.  Like James Dean or something!  I'm not sure why I found this so funny.  But the site completely amused me.  I'm generally a happy person, but I haven't laughed like that in, well I don't know how long.  It didn't last long, but the happiness flowed through my entire body.

It was nice to finally truly laugh again....




xoxo loves,

Me

Missing You

I miss his gruff voice.  Their loving bickering.  The smell of her Tabu perfume.  The familiar clink of ice in the nightly high-ball.  The strong hand that ran our family.

I  miss the sound of him chewing gum.  The seriousness of every look.  The tall quiet southern man who was once the bull of the woods.

I miss his arms around me, his chin resting on the top of my head. The sense of belonging.  Being loved.  Feeling safe.  His crooked flat hat.  The blue eyes that looked into my soul.

I miss his semi-negative influence.  The uncanny way he always knew when I was down.  The fun we had.  My friend.

I miss her clunky rough gate.  Her very female attitude.  Her silky soft coat.  Her big round feet.  We were a team.  She took care of me every time out.

I miss the sound of her jingle-bell.  How tiny she was.  She growled and barked at every stranger, and every boy.  Even getting locked out of my pickup in subzero temperatures.  Her warmth at my feet under the covers.

I miss her fierce little face.  Her scars from battles won.  Her undying loyalty.  Constantly stumbling over her because she always had to be close.  Her protective nature.  My best friend.

I miss the love lost, the friends of my past.  Feelings felt and torn.  I miss what for now are my good ole' days.

But I don't miss the heartache and pain.  I'm just missing you.



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Moonlight and Crickets

When I started writing this, there was a full moon.  Tonight there really is no moonlight.  Which is a pity because it makes everything look so beautiful.  Tonight it's just stars and crickets...

There's millions and billions and trillions of stars outside.  Twinkling, blinking and burning.  So far away the distance is unfathomable.  From my front porch I can't see much.  Partly because I have to have a light on to write and partly because trees and a mountain block my view.  But walking across the yard earlier when I got home, I noticed the Big Dipper was right over my little green house.  Or so it seems anyway.

A soft breeze blows down the creek.  Rustling the leaves of the orchard around me.  Apple trees my dad played under as a little boy.  Huge un-identifiable trees that have endured floods, storms, passing of family and time.

I love cool summer nights.  It's 70 degrees.  Crickets chirping in the background.  The crunch of bone my dog's chewing on.  The oh so familiar sound of my black dogs' dog tags.  The fan desperately trying to blow cool air into the house.  The occasional sound of bats as they blitz around in search of food.  The cats rustling in the tall grass before the dogs chase them off. 

As I continue my nightly gazing of the stars, I'm comforted by the fact that they're the same stars the man I once thought of as the love of my life sees, as well as the man who actually will be.  No matter where we are, the sky is always the same.  Giving people who are hundreds of miles apart a sense of connection.  A bond that can't be broken until the break of day...


XOXO Loves


Me

Fanncie

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The sound of the rain falling outside, matches that of the tears falling from my eyes.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

My heart pulls as I remember her last days.

It breaks when I remember the pain.

The tears flow harder than the rain.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

5 weeks, 17; 8 and 25

Eyes puffy, face wet.

She's one Dingo I'll never forget.

Drip. Drip. Drip.