Fanncie

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The sound of the rain falling outside, matches that of the tears falling from my eyes.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

My heart pulls as I remember her last days.

It breaks when I remember the pain.

The tears flow harder than the rain.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

5 weeks, 17; 8 and 25

Eyes puffy, face wet.

She's one Dingo I'll never forget.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Who Are You?

It's late, I'm tapping away on my new laptop(which I love btw), and listening to my favorite artist, Adrian Buckaroogirl.  And thinking, just thinking...

I love the Buckaroo Barbie blog, and Miss BB has been quite prolific lately. She's a very inspiring young woman.  One of her recent posts was about who you are and where you're going.  Are you the woman you want to be? 

With the exception of wanting to learn So many new things, 7 years ago I probably would have said Yes.  But life has a way of getting in the way.  Along with wonderful new experiences, I've endured pain, loss and heartache. Ohhh the heartache!  At times I've felt totally defeated.  I've been told it's not humanly possible to remember actual physical pain.  But what about emotional pain?  It too fades with time.  And we're left with beautiful memories and invaluable experiences that have made us stronger.

My world seems to quite the roller coaster.  Just when I draw a good hand, life calls and throws down aces.  I used to be really strong willed.  I dealt with tragedy like anything else, with quiet ease.  Somewhere along the line, I lost that ability.  With each blow it becomes increasingly harder to stand up. 

So who do I want to be?  Simple.  The girl I was at 18.  Strong, independent, intelligent, driven, honest, passionate and easy going.  I haven't lost all desireable traits, just enough to know I've strayed from the woman I was set to be.  Some of the starch has been washed out of me, and I just want to feel that fire again.  I want to stand tall and let no man intimidate me.  I want the patience of the Dalai Lama.  The drive of a US Attorney Marshall. 

If I had written this even 2 years ago, the list would have been much longer.  In the right direction I Am headed.  But pain, loss and tears are never far.  This is where I get stuck.  How do I  continue to get healthy and grow when the damned speed bumps are so close together?  I know life isn't fair, but don't we get breaks?  I've come a long way in the last year and know I have a whole life to go.  Let's add patience, tolerance and level-headed thinking to the list. 

We all have some positive things to look forward to.  Step 1- concentrate on them.  Like the way my new poly rope feels, how awesome my lime green flower looks on my palm leaf.  Or how excited I am that my big, rangy paint is really starting to soften up.  Hell, my mama drew a local Bull Elk tag, who couldn't get pumped about That?!

So as I sit here, I'll continue to ponder my life, the road I'm on and where it's leading me.  Maybe I'll have an epiphany.  Or, maybe I'll just look forward to moving back to Eastern Oregon...

"Let 'er buck gals, grab some mane, tear some hair. Let 'er buck gals he ain't gettin anywhere. Let 'er buck gals this life aint dead yet. Let 'er buck gals just spur 'em in the neck."  (Adrian. 100 Pounds. Buckaroogirl.)


XO

Me

Great-great Grandpa Bratt and A Bear Den

This isn't the actual location of the story I'm about to tell.  It actually took place about a mile further up the creek, but this gives you a general idea of the scenery ;)

We've heard this story before, as kids, but you know how that goes, you always forget.  The TV was on, and a show preview was playing, something about a bear in a den.  As my mamas finishing up breakfast I say to my papa, "Who would dive in a den after a bear anyways?!" He replies, "Well Great-Grandpa Bratt did!"  I laughed at even the thought, but knowing in my heart that the crazy Scot would definitely do just such a thing! I apparently had been too young to remember the story, or had just forgotten over the years...

My great-great grandparents lived at the base of the mountain on the other side of the creek, the house is long gone now, with the streambed now in its place.  Grandpa Bratt used to randomly go bear hunting, he had hounds, and he'd just take off for days.  No one knowing if he was alive or dead.  They had 4 girls, which just devastated my grandpa, he of course, wanted boys.  So, each girl also had a mans name :) My great-grandma was Grace, or Bob to her papa. Then there was Winifred or Bill, Vivian or Josh and Gladys or Jim. You can't blame a guy for wishing! 

He'd been out for a couple days, had seen some sign, but no bears.  He knew there was a den up on the hill, but hadn't been able to tree its inhabitants. He needed help.  Home he goes to fetch Bill (Winifred), who was somewhere around 11 years old.  Off they go up the creek, lantern in hand.  It was early morning, and they sat and watched all day.  Bills job was to watch for the bear to go in the den, which was more of a cave under an old tree stump, find and tell her papa it was home.  Poor little Bill had just about had enough of this hurry up and wait stuff, when sure enough, the bear comes trundling down the hill.  She scampers off to tell her papa that it's back.  So grandpa(Sam) hands her his rifle, and with nothing but a pistol heads in after it!  This is sort of what Bill heard after he crawled in the den: lots of cussing, growling and snarling, and a gun-shot.  Then! More growling, more cussing, and another shot!   Out comes grandpa....   Who began cussing at Bill.  He accused her of lying, she told him no, papa, it went in there, I saw it.  Yea he said, but you didn't tell me there was two of em!

AHAHAHAA!!!!   What a story.  He was a stubborn, onery old Scotsmen who wished for boys and got all girls.  He did some pretty crazy things, but thats what history's made of! I can't even imagine doing such a thing these days, nor have I heard of anyone crawling in a bears den, after the bear.

XOXO Loves

Me

Horse Creek Winter

I took this photo last week from the hay barn, when we finally got Snow.  I think winter has taken awhile getting to everyone this year, but I was so excited to wake up to real snow, Finally! 

Unfortunately, I had to work every day we had good snow.  Makes it difficult to get good pictures.  Elevation wise we're only 1500 ft.  So unless its a good winter, we generally don't get snow, just cold rain.  We also live in a canyon, so most storms blow right over us.  Or on the rare bad winter occasion, the storm sits right over our canyon and hits us hard!   It's these winters, that I Love most!!!  The Klamath River may have a low elevation, but it's steep, mountainous terrain, and we're blessed enough to have 4 actual seasons. 

I took this picture Friday morning before I left with a pickup-bed full of beef.  Notice the mountain in the far back still looks the same, but dang it, most of the snow has been rained off! I don't think the replacement heifers are happy about it either!  At least with the snow they weren't soaked through.  The donkeys are still holed up in the barn.  They have the whole corral to roam in, but haven't yet left the dry solace of the shed.  They act as if they're locked in.  And bray and bray whenever they hear the front door open.  Silly donkeys!  It pretty much rained all day, so I thought I'd take this time to write a quick post!

XOXO Loves

Me

2012 Goals

I read on another Fabulous blog I follow, that it's better to set new year goals, rather than resolutions. Goals are much easier to work towards and attain, resolutions generally fail, and leave you depressed... To start out my post tonight on goals I'm going to quote Mae West. I think it's a marvelous quote, and one to keep in mind through 2012.

"It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it."

There are a lot of beautiful, talented and all-around Amazing ladies on my facebook.  Every gal has their good days and not so good days, but these ladies are almost Always super positive(true I mostly only know their fb lives), but still it's nice to know that you're not the only one who occasionally has an emotional breakdown.       Goal #1:  Look at life through brighter eyes...

Besides being postive women, they're talented, goal orriented, independent, strong and beautiful inside and out.                   Goal #2:  Exercise my talents, shoot for the moon and be an all around better person.

I haven't been very healthy in somewhere close to 2 years, however, things have gotten worse in the last year.  The most frustrating part being that, we can't figure out Just what's wrong!  After several studies, and many appointments, we've only come up with several small problems that 'may be' contributing to the major problem. Which is, a severe sleep disorder of some sort.  I fall asleep a lot! Mostly in very inappropriate situations, sleep has become my biggest concern in life.  Which is not at all normal.  Due to a total lack of energy and drive, so much in my life has been put off and shoved to the back burner.  This isn't how I want my life to be!!!   Goal #3:  Move forward with DR suggestions and find an Answer to my illness, becoming healthy Finally!

I currently have 3 horses. One amazing 'aged' mare, an unbroke 3 year old and a poorly trained 8 year old.  I'm also in the middle of another horse deal, which is the purchase of a Totally Awesome 3 year old that's already loping the barrel pattern. EXCITED!  With all of these horses, there is much to do. Thank goodness, my horses Always make me happy, and Always make life better!  So thankful and blessed to own horses.
                        Goal #4:  Keep all 4 horses legged up, break and train the 3 yr old, finish the 8 year old and get him over his fear of cows ;) b/c that just won't do. Also, keep my running mares in tip-top shape, sane and running.
 Exercise.  When I was going to school at OSU, I Loved working out. They had an Amazing gym!!! I spent a lot of time there, so did A LOT of others.  The university gym at EOU, was not the same.  Much smaller and not as well equipped.  For those of you who know me, running, just isn't my thing.  So as my need for sleep grew greater, my ability to workout began to fade away.  When you workout, one, you feel energized during and immediately after your workout and two you continue to feel better and eat better.  Don't think I need to go into details of what then progressed.
                     Goal #5:  Exercise every day, but excessively three times a week.  Strengthen core and correct my knees, develop upper body strength.

I have the soul of a gypsy.  I grew up in a tiny community, far away from town.  Caught the highschool bus at 6:30am and made the 1 hr trip to town for 4 years.  Not counting all of the sports events, and FFA activities that also required extra trips to Y-town.  But what I'm trying to say is, to go anywhere we've always had to Drive.  From a very young age, I was accustomed to many hours in the car.  I loved loading up in vans and heading to southern cali for FFA shows.  When I graduated I had the choice of going anywhere for school.  I orignally chose Shasta Comm College.  But just before fair, I decided to change schools.  So hurriedly I dropped classes, gave up my dorm and applied to BMCC in Pendleton, OR.  Of course, I moved in time to attend the 2005 Pendleton Round-Up.  One I won't soon forget.  At 18, and 9 hours from home, I couldn't believe my little country eyes when I saw a cowboy on a grey horse Ride, yes I said ride into Crabby's Underground Bar.  I looked with huge eyes at my poppa, who told me there's no way the bartender would let him stay.  Sure enough about 5 minutes later, out he comes..  Only he hadn't been kicked out. His horse had to poop!  Whcih he did on the sidewalk and back downstairs he went.  Later that night, we saw him leading his horse back to the trailer, with a very inebriated gal in the saddle.  Since that first term in Pendleton, I have moved every 3 months.  With the exception of my year in La Grande, and of course here, now.  I moved here and there, then across states, then to other states.  I hate the actual Act of moving, but love it when I get there!!!  I get bored, and restless if I stay anywhere too long.  Same with work.  I've been back in our little corner of everywhere for 9 months, and have held the same job for 6!  Some may say I'm growing up, me, my soul is crying for a new view of the sky.
                  Goal #6:  Visit friends, travel the rodeo road, and sate my need for moving.

I've been attending inquiry classes at the Catholic church.  Over the years, I've felt the need to find religion.  I attended church as a child (non-denominational), but was never baptized.  Many people questioned my decision, but it's my decision, one I'm very comfrotable with, and one I'm happy I made. 
                  Goal #7:  Be baptized Catholic and take my first communion.



For only 7 goals, this was a pretty long post.  So thanks for staying with me ;)  I'll probably add a few more goals as the year progresses, but this is a pretty good start.   So See ya Later 2011, and Hello 2012

CHRISTMAS Lights

 

The best part of todays Christmas time, are the lights. Now don't get me wrong, with my new found Catholic Religion being studied, I know that's not really what Christmas is about. But, I Love Christmas lights. Driving around in town looking at all the lights is always a fun family tradition.  So here are some fun Christmas light pictures:

I would be SO happy walking down this street!

Just Gorgeous

I want to stay here for Christmas!

Love colored lights, but this is very classy.

Eerie, yet lovely. Had to share..

That's all I have.  Hope all of you enjoy this years lighting decorations.  Unfortunately I don't have any outside, due to lack of outlets.  But next year, my barn will be decked out!!! 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to ALL!!!


XoXO

Me

Mornings' Rat Race, or Something...

Woke up at 20 after 6.  Showered, dressed, cat doctored and fed.

                                                (Yes, this is me in the morning)

Out the door I go, shoes in hand.  I thought it snowed, but really it had just froze.  Chickens out, dogs in.  Shoot, my pickup is frozen solid, I wonder why my mama failed to mention the artic temperatures when she left.  The donkeys are making noises at me, and I can't find my ice-scraper.  Start the pickup, defrost ON!  Feed 1 foundered donkey, another old yet frisky donkey and an old, barren and blind cow.  Where am I exactly?

Check on defrosting; nothing.  Hmm, is that the inside thats wet?  Oh, fun, the inside of the windshield is also frozen.  Let's see here, dirty string gloves or 1 lonely, unmatched, left-over striped sock.  Sock, definitely the sock, it's clean. I think.  Super.  What a mess I made.  Crap it's 7:2 something, and I have 36 miles to go before 8!  Well gotta see first.  Trailer light adapters don't work overly well when scraping ice, but will work in a pinch.  Ok that's good enough, I can sorta see ;) 

30 minutes, 35 miles.

Are the roads icy, or is it too cold?  Brake test!  Nope, too cold.  Excellent.  Buckle up and Pray.

Juicy Squeeze, check.  Pound of chocolate on center console, check.  La Roux blaring on the stereo, check.  Down the road.  Temperature rising, not so cold down-river.  Oh look, there's a Bald Eagle. G'DAY!  Mmmm, love chocolate. 

EEE. That corner looked cold. Seiad. Hate having to slow down.  Quite cold here too, same snow like frost. 

18 miles, 15 minutes.

VROOM!  Why am I so tired? Oh yea, I'm probably narcoleptic.  Oh good, Amber's house.

15 miles, 12 minutes.

Shouldn't that be the other way around?

10 miles, 10 minutes.

Oh no, is that a car up there? Catch it on the way up the mountain.  UGH! This man is ruining my average ;)
THWAP!  WTH?!  Yikes, the lunge whip from the back seat made a front seat appearance.  Glad it went over my head.  OK, just tuck that in the visor like so...  Finally on the flat, headed into the big city of HC.  Dang it, get off my face, stay put!  I hate following other cars ;)  WHOO!

3 minutes, 0 miles.

Park, fight with whip, grab wallet and keys.  Run in.  Yep, I sure did make it.  8 o'clock straight up.

Now I'm countin change, listening to beep beeps and brightly handing out Good Mornings and Have a Great Day!  No meat cutting this Thursday... 

Should've got up 20 minutes earlier...


XO

Me