Today I Did

Today I did it.  I did show up to my first class ten minutes early.  I was prepared for the exam, and ready to show my teacher I am something. 

Tuesday I was completely humiliated by a professor.  I have anxiety so walking up in front of a large class is hard enough, but it's worse when the teacher rudely dismisses you and makes you feel as big as a pea.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  I didn't allow him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me.  I desperately wanted to grab my books and run out of there as fast as I could, but I didn't.  I calmly sat down, took notes and held my head high.  Even though inside I felt horrible.

Today we had our last test before finals.  The whole class is review for me, and in general isn't that tough.  I quickly hammered out the stocking rates, and moved onto grasses, which proved a little more difficult.  30 minutes into the class it happened.  The familiar racing of the heart, rolling, grumbling, churning of the stomach, and the all too intense feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest.  I needed to leave.  My test was almost done, but I knew I had to stay.  So I took some deep breaths, concentrated really hard on, well, you know, being Awesome!  It didn't really help though, the overall feeling of panic continued to grow.  I struggled through a couple questions, but tried my hardest because for some reason my teacher doesn't seem to really like me.  The toughest part of that is he's also my adviser, albeit a bad one.  I finished 15 minutes later and jetted out of there!

The uncomfortable, anxious feeling stayed with me all day...  After class a friend and I went to the Auction, where a particularly mean, horned cow tried slamming through the gate to eat us.  There were as usual, a couple horses there, and even a few Alpacas.   I wanted to pet them but I think one of them wanted to spit on me instead.  A sad looking little 5 month old filly sold for a whopping $5, and the Alpacas went for $1 each.  We ate, I got more coffee and I felt better.  I got a short nap later, then headed out to work with my horses.  Besides the rope burns inflicted by my filly, that was relaxing too.

Today was hard.  I realize that normal for me is not normal for everyone else, but I'm ok with that.  I generally have to leave school when my anxiety hits, but today I didn't. Today I did it.  I overcame the debilitating mental pressure that plagues me.  And for that I'm proud of myself. 

Wesley Woo said  "To succeed you must first improve, to improve you must first practice, to practice you must first learn, and to learn you must first fail."   So I will continue to practice and improve.


Xo Loves,


Me

Today I Will

I started this 2 days ago, but I can't post from my phone anymore, lame I know.
I really need to be working on my 1200 word paper that's due tonight at midnight, but I needed a break for some recreational writing.

I have a friend that had a crazy whirlwind relationship years ago, it ended in divorce but she has 3 wonderful children to show for it. Her relationship was a lot like mine with my ex!  It went from one extreme to another, we both have neither loved nor hated as much as we did with those men.

At the end of each experience there's a period of reconstruction.  I'm still going through mine.  My friend gave me a set of inspiration cards.  The Language of Letting Go.  I really like them.  So every day I spread them out, close my eyes and choose a card.  My favorite so far is about still being lovable.

Today I Will-- tell myself that I'm lovable. Just because some people haven't been able to love me in ways that worked doesn't mean that I'm unlovable. I've had lessons to learn, and some of them have hurt deeply, but I can still love, and I still am loved.

So no matter what, always know, someone still loves you!



Xoxo Loves,


Me

Horses and Souls

“When I bestride him, I soar, I am a hawk: he trots the air; the earth sings when he touches it; the basest horn of his hoof is more musical than the pipe of Hermes. ”
― William Shakespeare, Henry V  

This quote quite perfectly describes what I feel when I'm with horses.  I'm a friendly person, but I'd rather spend time watching and working horses than wandering around large crowds of humans.  Throughout the past several years, horses have gotten me through some tough times.  The horses themselves were sometimes tough, but it gave me something else to think about.  Something to put all my energy into, to concentrate on and wear myself out over.  When I'm on a horse, or working with a colt, my mind is blank.  My heart rate slows, my breathing calms, I lose all inhibitions, worry, stress and pain.  Its just me and them.  Horses have forever calmed my soul.  I don't know exactly what they feel, I can't talk to them.  But I can change their body to change their mind.  The moment when they drop their head, lick their lips and soften their eye always satisfies me.  Even if we don't accomplish anything else, I know for that period of time they let me see them.  For that moment I feel as though our souls connected.  So, tonight I thought I'd share some photos of the horses that are currently helping me to forget.

Friends

I'd like to start this post off with a little quote.  I can't remember it word for word, but this is how I recall it:  Friends are like leaves, found everywhere: True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare.  This saying has stuck with me my entire life.  I remember reading it time and time again off of a plate at my grandparents house.

I've had a lot of friends throughout my short life.  Some good, some bad, but I've learned something from them all.  They've all played a part in making me the person I am today.  Some I miss, some I wish I never met.  Some are gone, some are still apart of my life.

I'm loud.  I like to laugh, a lot.  I smile too big.  My friends?  They laugh at me.  And I make them loud too.  Overwhelming is occasionally mentioned.  I find myself occasionally being very attached to my friends.  The result, I end up acting like them.  Which is definitely not always a good thing.  Best friends are very important for girls.  But I've grown.  And I've realized that not every friend is best friend worthy.  Some friends are just 3 gallons of crazy!

Friends can be taxing, emotionally draining, hurtful, encouraging, supportive and exciting.  Some friends are a couple of these things, some are all of the above.  No matter what, they all played a major part in our lives at some time.  So even though we've said good bye to some, would like to forget some and some are still playing vital roles in our todays, we should all say Thank You.  Thank You for being my leaves and diamonds....



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Searching

I'm young.  At least compared to life, I'm still young.  I'm restless.  Ill at ease.  Unsure of my path and broken.  For now I'm like Humpty Dumpty trying to put all the pieces back together again.

My Senior year of high school I dropped my classes and cancelled my dorm room at a local college.  The same week I had a new adviser and several phone meetings set up to schedule my first term at a college 9 hours way.  I spent 2 1/2 years there, but can't remember how many houses I lived in.  For an entire term my best friend and I slept on an air mattress in a friends room.  For which, we each paid $200. 

Summers were spent all over.  Ideas and dreams constantly changing.  Rodeos here and there.  Even before I lost my love, I was searching.  Although I didn't know it then because I thought I was happy wherever he was.  But fire and gasoline are never a safe combination.  We went our separate ways.  And I'm still searching.  I don't know what it is I'm hoping to find.  Something tangible, a feeling, a place or a person.  I don't even know how or if I'll know it when I find it.  Somehow I just don't think Angels will be singing...

So for now I'll settle for the unsatiable restless feeling I live with.  I'll continue to roam and travel and experience.  And hope that one day, I'll find what my heart's been searching for.



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Freedom

                    (My favorite mare, Zenyatta, showcasing her unbelievable 28ft stride at Del Mar)

Not only am I a descendent of peoples that have warred over the centuries, but all of the men in my family have crossed oceans to fight and protect our freedom.  Freedom can mean several things for example; "the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint" or "the power to determine action without restraint".  Everyone understands this form of freedom.  But not everyone has experienced the kind of freedom that is only felt.

As the sky lightens and the sun creeps towards the top of the ridge I think about what it means to truly feel free.  Granted I'm only watching the sun rise because I haven't gone to bed yet.  The fresh, crisp, clean smell of early morning almost assaults my sleepy senses.  The air is cool, I haven't slept and I'm free to do as I please.  With no one to tell me different.

But horses, horses are different.  Some are wild and free, some are captive and free and the less fortunate are restrained.  I've recently began a new adventure.  A quest to better my skills and gain as much knowledge as possible.  I've seen wild horses, horses kept in fields, pastures, big pens and stables.  And they all have a different look in their eye.  Freedom.  Some have it, some yearn for it and some will never know it's sweet release.

Race Horses.  They're trained hard at a young age, kept in stalls and fed high energy diets.  Every move planned, every action accounted for.  But on race day, on the track, they get to be free.  Even if it's only a matter of a few seconds.  The perfect rhythm between breath and heartbeat.  The horses that love to run live for those moments of freedom.

Millions of people take riding for granted, but that's because they've never allowed themselves to feel free on the back of a horse.  It's always amazed me, when someone more experienced can take your normal horse and quickly get more from them than you ever have.  My big red mare loves to run.  She's an appendix, so I suppose it's been bred into her.  The difference is, she also has heart.  She's fast, and sometimes that raw power and crazy speed scares me.  She's a great horse and has always taken care of me.  It's that split second when I let her go, that quick feeling of panic, of relinquishing control as I feel the power in her muscles, her stride lengthen and her head reach out that I feel free.  I smile with reckless abandon when I let her gallop in the dark.  Having total faith in her love of freedom because I have no other choice.

Horses are a grand example of what it's like to feel free, even for a short time.  You can see it in their eyes, the way they carry their heads, hold their tails and run like their world goes on forever.  I appreciate, treasure, love and wonder at: Freedom.


Xoxo Loves,

Me

Growing Up

It's almost midnight, and I'm seriously caught up in my new library book.  As I forced myself to put it down and brush my teeth, I started to realize how much I've grown up in the last 3 years.  As the youngest of three by 8 years, I'm typically always looked at as "the baby".  And while yes, that is true, "the baby" is now 25 years old.  I haven't been a part of this world all that long compared to most, but I can honestly say I've lived.

 From a child I've always acted older than I was.  Then I went away to college and I got to be me.  Just me.  A young and impressionable 18 year old me.  I did well.  I made friends quickly, I adapted to the high desert way of life.  I fell in love.  I moved a lot.  My family affectionately called me a gypsy and joked that from week to week they didn't know where I was or what I was doing.  A fact that I'm sure caused my mama and papa much angst.  I graduated with an Associate of Science degree and moved across state.  A decision that proved to be detrimental to my young life.  I lived in King's Valley outside of Corvallis for 6 months.  It may or may not have caused the end of my relationship, but either way its the place that caused me most emotional and physical harm.  Thankfully that summer I got an internship with BLM and I moved to SW Colorado!  I worked long hours, and any spare time I had was spent at a ranch riding race broke colts.  I loved my government experience, but I learned so much from the old man I worked for 'after hours'.  He was going through some tough times health wise and I couldn't have been happier to help him out in his time of need.

 I came back to Oregon feeling like a million bucks.  But somewhere during fall term I fell apart.  Friends and family tried to help, but how can you help someone who doesn't even know whats truly wrong?  I had several long talks with my daddy, talks that drew us closer with me being an adult.  But they didn't help.  I made several more out of state moves before finally deciding to just move home.  I was severely unhealthy.  I was overweight, had no energy and slept more than is humanly normal.  The worse part, no one could figure out just what my problem was.  So for a few months I had a chauffeur pretty much everywhere I went.  I got a job downriver and thankfully got to car pool with my mama.  My body was constantly totally exhausted.  I had 2 sleep studies with total opposite results, ending with the thought I may just be narcoleptic.  Finally an intense blood work up was done, and we had our answers.  I was deficient in almost everything, and I had toxic levels of several heavy metals.  Basically my poor body was just shutting down.  Immediate action was taken, and it wasn't long before I could actually stay awake on the car rides home.  Then on the way to work I would chat with my mama.  Finally I was again driving myself.

It's been a year and five months since I moved back, and not only am I healthier, but I've grown up.  I'm not as quick to anger, I try harder to think about how my actions affect others before I act, I like music I used to think was too 'old timey', places I've lived seem more dear, friendships more important, faith strengthened and a new religion found.  History and stories about where I come from desperately searched for.  I've had several pretty life altering events occur in my life, starting at the young age of 10.  But I'm proud to say that I've rallied back and done what I can to make my life better afterwards.  I had a nice chat with my daddy on the phone the other night(even though he's only a mile away) and he told me how proud he was of how far I've come in the last year especially.  That it's been a long road, but that I've finally figured it out for myself and I'm headed in the right direction.  He's always told me he didn't care if I was a janitor, as long as I was truly happy.  It's been awhile, but along with growing up, I've found my happiness again.   And that's something I'm truly proud of...



Xoxo Loves,

Me