I Miss My Friend

As pet owners and animal lovers we all experience loss.  My first two pets were a bunny named Thumper and a cat named Junior.  The bunny was killed by a dog in front of me, the cat ran away to the neighbors.  I was somewhere around 5 at the time.  When my papa culled cows I always told them I was sorry, I thanked them for being good to us and told them I'd never forget them.  I would promptly go home and write about them in my little diary.  I sat high in the barn watching in fascination as my grandpa, papa, uncle and assorted family and friends butchered steers that we had raised.  When I was 8 or 9 our Akita ran off with my dads little cowdog pup Queenie.  He took her up the mountain and she never found her way home.  I remember sitting upstairs staring up the road, every day believing that would be the day she came home.  I cried intensely when my dad sold his Thoroughbred mare Sunset.  I loved her and thought with childish conviction that she was the greatest horse there ever was.  When in reality, she wasn't tough enough to be a mountain horse and more often than not threw her rider.

There's been so many losses over the years, mostly cats due to the big cats that frequent our area.  It's the last five losses, two in particular that hurt the most.  It's always harder to lose an animal before they're old.  My papa's amazing Heeler Butte got ran over last year.  The year before that my best friend Fanncie ate too much hide, got compacted and ran off to die.  The fall before that my cat Puss died of smoke inhalation.  My favorite big, red mare Dallie was killed earlier that spring and my little Chiweener Lil'Anne got ran over the summer before that.  You may find this all quite morbid indeed, but the best way to keep their memories alive is to talk about them.

Dallie and Fanncie were by far my closest loves.  For me animals have always been more than pets, their existence more meaningful than words can describe.  They helped me through many a slump.  My big mare dumped me several times, but I fell more and more in love with her every time I rode her.  Hell, I even hauled her all the way to Colorado with me for a summer.  Fanncie and I had an unrivaled bond, her being my first dog.  I got her at the Red Bluff Bull and Gelding Sale my junior year of highschool.  I took her out to the pickup where she curled up on my shoulders in my hair and slept.  As a puppy she once pooped in the back of my Chemistry class.  As an adult she kept many a man at bay, chasing a few completely out of my house.  She wasn't exactly friendly at first site.  At 30 lbs she wasn't big, but she was aggressive, fierce and always protective of me.  Carrying or not, I always felt safe with her around.  I once took her into a Rest Area bathroom with me because it was the middle of the night and I wasn't about to be pounced on.  She tangled with a coyote, had many a row with other dogs, had her face shut in a pick-up door and took many a hit by bulls and cows alike.  Scars, broken teeth and tattered ears she was an adorable little dingo looking dog.  She was wicked tough and snake mean, I couldn't have loved her more.  My heart broke as much for the loss of her as it did losing my ex-fiance. 

Fanncie and Butte lie together in death much the same as they ran together in life.  A team to be reckoned with.  Dallie's buried out in the feedlot alongside our other fallen equines.  Puss and Lil'Anne were buried together under a maple in the backyard.  They're not alone even though they're gone.

Animals simply don't live as long as we do.  Death is a part of life, an important lesson many of us learned in the Lion King.  Each and every animal I've had has left its mark on my heart.  Some hurt more to think about than others.  We learn and grow, taking a little something from every experience.  As long as puppies and foals are being born I'll continue to let them into my heart.  Tears will be shed every bit as much as love and joy will be felt.

XO Loves,

Me

Music, Horses and the Good Lord

There are a lot of aspects to life that I cherish dearly.  Coming from a large, and always boisterous family it's only natural that family would be one of them.  I used to be incredibly hard to excite in any fashion, much like my father, but somewhere along the way I became excitement infatuated.  If that makes any sense.  Now rather than just saying the proper words when given gifts I fully and freely exclaim all my emotion. I'm very excitable and it doesn't take much to amuse me.  Much like a raccoon, I truly do love shiny objects.  I have too many necklaces to count, and an overflowing large tote of beads just waiting to be made into yet even More necklaces.  I'm kind of headed off course here though.  My point however, is that some things about me have changed, but some have not.

I don't know exactly when I started riding horses.  I have vague memories from a child such as not having legs long enough to properly kick my poppa's big Thoroughbred into action, or being set down in freshly tilled garden dirt in white socks because my sister's mare was fixin' to throw us both.  Both my sister and I were given our first horses when we were 10.  That's when our poppa thought we were old enough to properly care for them.  It also might have had something to do with the fact that our first horses were unbroke Mustangs.  Since then my sissy who is 10 years older than I, has only had 4 horses, counting her first and 1 that she sold as a long yearling.  I on the other hand have had 10, and no I'm not a horse trader.  However, it's only due to the strong voice of reason from my parents that I haven't had twice that many.  My little girl horse crazy phase has never ended.

I have become a little more realistic with my horse "dreams" over the years though.  I no longer sketch random pictures of horses and name them after pretty horses in the AQHA and APHA magazines.  They do however, consume a great portion of my life.  I had knee surgery on both knees this summer and am not released to ride until next month, at my insistence.  I did get to ride once in between surgeries and it was heaven.  However, with that being the exception it's been 5 months since I've been on a horse, and it's Killing me!  I have never in all my years ever gone this long without being astride a half-ton, 4 legged beast.  It's almost a cruel punishment, granted before surgery I could barely stand to be in the saddle for an hour.  So there's that, and the knowledge that I'll be completely healed before I know it.

Music.  When I was young I was always sneaking music that my parents didn't think I needed to listen to.  The station was KTMT and I don't know exactly what it was.  Pop, hip/hop, I don't know, but when I was a kid it was N'SYNC and The Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees.  Boy bands ya know, they were just so dreamy!  My sister was always quizzing me on the country singers though, so I had to keep up with the country station too.  Through highschool my tastes didn't change much, I loved Chris LeDoux, liked Gary Allen, Garth Brooks, Tim McGraw, Brooks & Dunn, Dolly Parton, Reba McEntire etc...  My dad and I love Cusco music, or I supposed technically it's higher octave, but it's basically flutes.  My momma thinks we're pretty strange, but it's incredibly calming and it always makes me think of the fluid movements of a horse. 

Now days I rarely listen to mainstream music.  I do enjoy Classic Country still, but the music they call country today is well I'll be polite because I know that's my opinion.  I can't and will not however, concede that Jason Aldean, Keith Urban or Brantley Gilbert type characters are Cowboy or Country Artists.  They are for the most part redneck, and as such should have their own separate genre.  I want people to sing good old fashioned, honest songs like from the 'Golden Age' 60's-80's.  Those songs told stories, and were from real experiences.  It wasn't ridiculous BS about drinkin on the tailgate of "your truck" (it's a bloody pickup btw, real trucks don't have tailgates), 'mobbin' through mud or shakin it for anyone!  The people who listen to current country are not the same people who listened to it even a decade ago, and there's a reason for that.  It's simply not the same.  Give me some Lefty Frizzell, John Conlee, Marty Robbins or Johnny Horton any day!  My favorite artists right now are not people you hear on mainstream radio.  Artists like Ian Tyson, Brenn Hill, Royal Wade Kimes, Adrian Brannan and Catlin Martin.  I didn't used to like real 'old timey' music, but now it's my favorite!

And lastly but certainly not last, God.  I used to go through what I called religious spurts.  I went to Sunday school as a child, and loved Vacation Bible School.  I didn't quite understand what accepting the Lord into your heart meant though, so I did it every year, just to cover my bases.  Like many, I had several bad church experiences.  Met too many hipocrits who didn't follow the way of the Lord but since they went to church every Sunday by George they were better than me!  I've always had a strong belief.  In fact when I was 10 my brother was in a horrible car accident, one that didn't look promising for his future.  In his coma he drew pictures and wrote messages to us. (Never believe anyone who says coma patients can't hear you.)  In one such picture he drew a wrecked pickup at the base of a tree, the touching part were the angels he drew above it.  If that doesn't make you a believer I don't know what will.  At 14 I was blessed to visit St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City.  Since then I've always wanted to be Catholic, even though my family is primarily Protestant.  Finally this year I was baptized on Easter, and I'll be confirmed by the Bishop next spring.  I can't begin to tell you the peace my soul now feels.  I love mass, I love being Catholic.  I regularly pray a rosary, I pray to Saints, and I occasionally go to church just to be with our Lord. 

Many experiences we have throughout life shape and change who we are.  But there are three things in life that will never change; my love of a good horse, the honesty of a well written song, and my unwavering belief in the Almighty.

Xo Loves,

Me

October Days and Memories

Today while driving through our quaint little town I had a myriad of flashbacks to my younger years.  The piles of leaves in people's yards, the semi-bare trees shedding their pretty yellow and orange leaves, the cold crisp wind.  It all reminded me of days long ago. 

I remembered going to the fish hatchery with my momma to harvest Salmon eggs, a yearly treat, odd as that sounds it was way cool.  Later after the fish smell was gone we would head to the apple orchards and pick bags full and buy fresh cider. Yummm.

I remembered the amazing costumes my Aunt sewed for me, the coloring contests, the costume contests, the pumpkin carving contests and the parties and treats at school. Every year after the school's festivities were over almost all of us headed upriver to Quigley's where we all gathered about on the ground carving our little hearts away.  After prizes had been handed out we all scattered for trick or treating. 

Every year without fail our first stop was to my momma's old boss' house.  Jim and Lee were the sweetest old people, she always took our pictures by the front door, and gave us the best treats!  She also made the most amazing Pecan Pie in the world. It made me think about leaves blowing past our tiny feet as we scurried from the car up a long driveway to a neighbors house.  About how scary it was crossing a foot bridge in the dark.  How crafty I had to be to hide my candy from my big brother.  They were fun and simple times. 

It always makes me sad that adults are frowned upon for trick or treating.  Unfortunate if you ask me! I'll still carve pumpkins though and dress up for adult parties.  Such a grand time of year, even if it is considered by many to be a pagan holiday.  That's certainly not why I ever celebrated. 

(My brother and I at Jim and Lees.)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN LOVES!!!

Xo,

Me

Gossip Girl and Real Life

I have a midterm tomorrow that I really should be studying for, but being the marvelous procrastinator that I am I think I'll write instead.  Good plan right???

I don't know if any of you have ever watched Gossip Girl, or read the books(there's 13).  There's some major differences between the 2 which can be wildly irritating.  But that's not really what I'm writing about.  I got totally addicted to the books a couple years ago, then discovered the show and I love it too, yea yea, I know not exactly intellectually stimulating.  But isn't that why we watch TV in the first place?  To balance out such nonsense I do read awesome books like The Beautiful and Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald(it doesn't matter that it's one of Serena's favorites OK).  So anyway, you should at least check it out on Netflix, all 6 seasons are on there. If you hate it that's completely understandable.  It's just something to watch if you need the noise of a television.

The other night I was watching an episode from Season 5, for those of you who don't know, Chuck and Blair have this totally crazy wild love for one another.  Toxic at times, but one of those TV romances you really root for.  Anyway, Blair is currently engaged to the Prince of Monaco and there's this strange rift of past feelings going on.  She's not entirely certain she's made the right choice, and I don't know anymore than that so if you've seen it, don't tell me what happens.  Blair and Chuck are talking, she needs him to be a bad person in order to allow herself to completely move on and Chuck gives her what she needs because all he truly wants is for her to be happy.

Chuck tells Blair that "There's a difference between a great love and the right love".  Blair goes off on a tangent about the great loves being crazy loves, the type of love that is written and sung about.  That got me to thinking.  I've very definitely experienced that great and crazy love.  It took Forever to realize that toxic, breathless, passionate, whirl wind love was an addiction, and that the right love is still out there.  It was strangely comforting because I can relate to the crazy relationship of Chuck and Blair.  Now of course watch, they'll ultimately end up together, in a fairy tale season finale.

Life isn't a fairytale, no matter how hard we work, literature and television will always simply be about entertainment and what we expect as an audience.  We can't live that way, although Blair often times inserts herself into old movie roles.  I went through a lot of emotions over the loss of my love, but finally I just don't feel one way or another about it.  I occasionally feel sad that I "wasted those marvelous years in college", but yet I'm not sorry I felt what I felt.  It was an experience that one day will have made me much stronger.  Rather than being some hum drum with a boring life, who's rarely experienced true excitement I felt enough in those 4 years for a lifetime.  I felt every emotion I'm capable of to its extreme, and I'm glad for that. 

I'm ready for my right love.  Well maybe not right now because there's still so much I want to experience, so many places I want to live and travel to, but when it happens I'll be ready.  Crazy emotions firmly in the past :)

XO Loves,

Me

Long Legs and Heels

For the longest time, well since I hit my mature height of 5'11" I've thought I was too tall to wear heels.  Not just high-heels for women but I wouldn't even buy a pair of underslungs for riding.  A tall woman can be intimidating to shorter men, and I didn't want to be viewed as constantly offensive.

But you know what?! I am tall, and I'm damned proud of it!  I won't apologize, I won't slump and I'll wear gorgeous high-heels anytime I want to.  If a man can't deal with the fact that I'm occasionally 6'3" then I don't need to spend time with him anyways. 

So here's a little collection of some heels I would SO wear :)

This was just one website, and they're all red sole shoes.  The top 3 on my list though are black with red soles, red and silver sequin, or the last ones on this list.  I have a major love of shoes, and I definitely need a bigger closet!

Xo Loves,

Me

Winter Is Coming!

I know what you're thinking, yea it's coming, but fall isn't even here yet!  So true, but the other day I uploaded a bunch of old SD cards onto my parents computer and I found some really cool snow photos.  It may be awhile before the snow flies, but judging by the cooler nights maybe it's not as far off as we think. Here are some of my favorites!

I can't wait to see what this winter brings!

Xo Loves,

Me

Feel Fall Comin' On

Somewhere high in the sky obscured by the building clouds a jet flies overhead, sound the only giveaway.

Buzzards gliding around in lazy circles looking for an easy meal on their southbound trip to Mexico.

The wind picks up now and then, blowing a cool breeze down the creek.

Cow bells clank comfortably in the upper feed lot.  Temperatures are dropping in the mountains and they think it's time to come home.  5 1/2 more weeks, but fall is coming.

Their bawls echo down through the valley as they hear the roar of my papa's flatbed.  Thinking they should be home and hay awaiting.

The horses idly munch away, undistrutbed by the racket and activity around them.

Everything around us says fall is here, even though it's only the first of September.

It seems as though winter may come early this year, cold and bitter.  Mother Natures' icy hand sweeping over us.

I love being home, sitting high on the hill where our house overlooks a big piece of the valley.  I love listening and feeling and pretending I'm in a simpler time.

Before our house was built here, before many of the houses were built here.  When family was family and friends were too.

In a couple weeks I'll be headed north once again.  The last time I'll leave home headed for University.

The bells still clanking and buzzards still circling...

 

XO Loves,

Me