Who Are You?

It's late, I'm tapping away on my new laptop(which I love btw), and listening to my favorite artist, Adrian Buckaroogirl.  And thinking, just thinking...

I love the Buckaroo Barbie blog, and Miss BB has been quite prolific lately. She's a very inspiring young woman.  One of her recent posts was about who you are and where you're going.  Are you the woman you want to be? 

With the exception of wanting to learn So many new things, 7 years ago I probably would have said Yes.  But life has a way of getting in the way.  Along with wonderful new experiences, I've endured pain, loss and heartache. Ohhh the heartache!  At times I've felt totally defeated.  I've been told it's not humanly possible to remember actual physical pain.  But what about emotional pain?  It too fades with time.  And we're left with beautiful memories and invaluable experiences that have made us stronger.

My world seems to quite the roller coaster.  Just when I draw a good hand, life calls and throws down aces.  I used to be really strong willed.  I dealt with tragedy like anything else, with quiet ease.  Somewhere along the line, I lost that ability.  With each blow it becomes increasingly harder to stand up. 

So who do I want to be?  Simple.  The girl I was at 18.  Strong, independent, intelligent, driven, honest, passionate and easy going.  I haven't lost all desireable traits, just enough to know I've strayed from the woman I was set to be.  Some of the starch has been washed out of me, and I just want to feel that fire again.  I want to stand tall and let no man intimidate me.  I want the patience of the Dalai Lama.  The drive of a US Attorney Marshall. 

If I had written this even 2 years ago, the list would have been much longer.  In the right direction I Am headed.  But pain, loss and tears are never far.  This is where I get stuck.  How do I  continue to get healthy and grow when the damned speed bumps are so close together?  I know life isn't fair, but don't we get breaks?  I've come a long way in the last year and know I have a whole life to go.  Let's add patience, tolerance and level-headed thinking to the list. 

We all have some positive things to look forward to.  Step 1- concentrate on them.  Like the way my new poly rope feels, how awesome my lime green flower looks on my palm leaf.  Or how excited I am that my big, rangy paint is really starting to soften up.  Hell, my mama drew a local Bull Elk tag, who couldn't get pumped about That?!

So as I sit here, I'll continue to ponder my life, the road I'm on and where it's leading me.  Maybe I'll have an epiphany.  Or, maybe I'll just look forward to moving back to Eastern Oregon...

"Let 'er buck gals, grab some mane, tear some hair. Let 'er buck gals he ain't gettin anywhere. Let 'er buck gals this life aint dead yet. Let 'er buck gals just spur 'em in the neck."  (Adrian. 100 Pounds. Buckaroogirl.)


XO

Me