Running Away

In the last couple of years I've gone through some major life changes.  I've hit rock bottom and thought for the longest time that I'd never rise above it all.  Somewhere along the line though I grew up and before I knew it I'd changed.  I found myself again and with strong determination I found my path as well.  I haven't looked back and I can honestly say that there's very little in life I've ever regretted. 
I've worked hard to overcome my demons.  I'm much stronger and self assured than I was even two years ago.  I tried to forget, I tried crying it out, tried drinking the pain away, talked with a counselor and even tried outrunning the memories.  But here I am, 1,000 miles away from all the pain that I've ever endured and I'm forced to face it all again. 
Facebook is a gift and a curse.  I have very little cell service at my house and during the day I usually have none at all.  Thankfully I'm not on Facebook very often.  However, the last couple of weeks I've come face to face with names through friends that cause an immediate unwanted reaction.  It doesn't matter how many years have gone by,  even the simple mention of their names causes my heart to race and I falter between being angry and deeply sad.  It's worse at night because then my subconscious is left to deal with the heartache and pain, which usually leaves me exhausted and totally unsettled the next morning. 
I wish I was stronger.  I wish I could hear their names and see their pictures and feel nothing.  I wish I could be a cold hearted, uncaring, unemotional woman who has completely left her past behind her.  Try as I may I'll always be too emotional.  I'll always care too much and I'll always end up hurt.  Hiding out here in the desert where the deer population outnumbers the human sounds better and better.  They say time heals all wounds, but even the oldest of my wounds still slows me down. 
I'd have to say my favorite flower is cactus.  They are the true beauties of the desert, growing in otherwise impossible conditions.  They hold out until they have all they need then they grow the most beautiful flower.  Something so beautiful you wouldn't think you'd see it growing in sand where very little rain falls.  They're almost inspiring.  They make me feel like no matter how impossible life gets or how I feel that at some point I'll have all I'll need.  Someday I can grow into that beautiful flower and all will be right within my soul.  I dream and pray for that day.

XO Loves,

Me

Gary Allan and Dark Skies

"I know I must be going, cause love's already gone.  And all I'm taking with me are the pieces of my heart and all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark."

So many new changes are coming my way and I finally feel like the young lady I always wanted to be someday.  I just finished my final winter term of college and my mama came up for a little visit.  Since I chose to go to university 11 hours away from home I don't see my family very often.  My papa wanted to come too but there was too much to be done in preparation for summer haying.  Even though I don't live in a small town compared to my hometown, it doesn't offer much in the way of amenities.  If you want to go to a mall or do any real shopping you have to go to Idaho or Washington.  We chose Tri-Cities in WA and just had a blast.  We watched a movie went to a nice restaurant, did a little shopping where my mama got her first smartphone and managed to not get lost once. 

Both coming and going we went through Pendleton, which for those of you who don't know I lived there for 3 years.  While there I made several lasting friendships, fell in love and experienced life as every young college kid should.  The difference between La Grande and Pendleton though is that Pendleton truly felt like home.  I've been fortunate in that everywhere I go I seem to find a family that adopts me, which makes being hundreds of miles away from home so much easier.  Maybe it's that I was more social while in Pendleton but no matter how long I've been away my soul feels an instant calm when I drop down into town.  Graduation is quickly approaching and I'll be moving soon, which means I don't know when I'll be back.  It's ok though, I'll always have the memories.

This morning I got a call from a Range Manager in Colorado, first wondering if I'd accepted another position yet and second if I had time for an interview.  An hour later I was sealing the deal on a Range Technician position in Yampa, CO.  It's a sleepy little town of 300, nestled in the heart of the Rockies, elevation 7,800.  I'm so excited!  I worked 2 summers in SE Colorado several years back and I can't express the joy I feel over being able to go back.  The best part is that even though it's small it's only 25 miles to Steamboat Springs which is quite a bit bigger and sounds like where I'll be doing my primary shopping.  In my opinion it's a sign of a good job when one of your interview questions is if you can drive a manual transmission and pull a trailer.  I love adventure and the Rockies are absolutely beautiful.  The high elevation can be a killer but I swear you feel better, even if your lungs do feel like they may explode with any real exertion.  I'll be living in the barracks with the other seasonals and if all goes according to plan I'll be taking 2 horses with me.  What else can a girl ask for? 

Tonight the skies steadily grew darker, Gary Allan sang to my soul through my Bose speakers.  As the wind picked up and the music grew louder I felt like I was living a dream.  I felt heady and light hearted as thought this life I'm living was not my own.  I may not be exactly where I planned to be 5 years ago, but I'm in a good place.  Life is looking up, new opportunities are all about me and I fully intend on making the best of every one of them.  I've given up on trying to plan my future.  I have a fair idea but the actual planning is not mine to make and the spontaneous nature of it all is something I crave.  Make sure to check back this summer because I should have some grand tales and fabulous photo's to share!

How stinkin' cute is this little town???!!!

XO Loves,

Me

 

Holding Back

Due to recent events in my life, I felt like finally expressing these thoughts was about time.  Have you ever not done something because you were afraid?  Unsure of yourself?  Embarrassed?  I have, a lot.  For as long as I can remember I've held back, not in fear of the action itself, but in fear of being judged, ridiculed, laughed at or looking stupid.  Those who are confident in who they are and their place in the world will never understand that feeling until they've experienced it.  It's not a good feeling, for me it gives me major anxiety.  Sometimes I'll allow the confident around me to force me into doing something I'm uncomfortable with only to end up not being able to handle it and wanting desperately to run away and hide. 

I don't ask questions in big classes for fear of someone thinking "geez that's a stupid question, quit wasting my time".

I sit in the back of the class, not because I want to goof off, but because I have an irrational fear of people staring at me from behind.

When I was young I thought it was bad to sway your hips when you walked.  The result is that now I have a very stiff, straight gait.

When I started running barrels I didn't like holding onto the horn because I thought people would think it was because I couldn't ride.

I got super nervous about running barrels in the first place for fear of people thinking I was too big.

I've wanted to team rope since highschool, but I've always been too afraid to take advantage of the opportunities I've had throughout the years.

I don't dance unless I've had plenty of liquid courage, because I don't feel like I have rhythm. 

I don't ask gear questions around those who are most knowledgeable because I'm embarrassed that I don't already know.

I don't flirt, because I'm just positive no one's interested in me that way.

I've always loved the gym, but I used to get super self-conscious in them because I wasn't fit, I felt constantly judged.

These are all totally ridiculous fears, and I fully recognize that.  Some of them I've overcome, the dancing one I might not ever get over...  The point here though, is that we should never not achieve our goals, or quit working towards our dreams just because we're worried about other people.   It's our life, not there's so who cares!

XO Loves,

Me

Skittish

When I stop and think about the relationships I've had, I realize I may appear to be broken.  Now incapable of an emotion that used to come so freely.  Like a kind, trusting, green colt that was abandoned and bucked out.  All of it's trust swiftly lost at the foolish hand of a single man.  The kindness it once knew replaced by a meanness it does not understand.  What it once knew as a soft word and kind touch, all it now knows is it must ever be wary and watchful of a brutal and course hand.  Unable to remember what came before.  Too scared to try and allow anyone in close.  It's turned wild and fights every advancement, friend or foe.  Eyes wide and wild, it visibly shakes at your approach.  The fear much more obvious than my own, but I see a part of myself in those pale blue eyes.  Too stubborn to back down completely.  Somewhere behind the pain, deep in the swirling depths is the true heart of the animal.  While our current choice may be to run away I believe that someday we can both stand our ground and accept a kind hand.

(Spook)

XO Loves,


Me

Quiet and Free

Since the late 1800's my family has lived at the base of the mountains in a quiet little valley along the river.  Five generations later, things(life) is very different, but everyday we fight to keep the old ways alive.  The ranch was split between my grandpa and my great uncle, but both of our families are still running cows in the same country as our great-great grandpa James and will continue to do so until our rights are taken away.  

Tonight my mama and I drove to the top of the mountain in search of my papa(who was already home).  I love my mountain home, love where I come from, and I feel an unexplained peace when I'm up there.  It's so easy to picture myself 100 years ago living in the line shack on top of the ridge with just my horse, my dog, my gun and cows to look after.  No loud vehicles humming by, no motorcycles scaring my colts, no one who doesn't belong.  Just the sound of the wind in the pines, the birds and chipmunks, bawling cows, the clear ring of their bells.  I'm in love with the simplicity of the past, and wish that I could have experienced it as tough a life as it was.  A time where the women were tough and the men were tougher.  You lived or you died, simple as dirt...

As the sun slipped behind the mountains in the distance I couldn't help but think about the family that came before.  About how many such sunsets they experienced in the same place(there were no roads back then). What was happening in their lives?  Were they happy?  Did they miss the old country?  What had they gone through to get to that point?  Did they simply marvel in the beauty of the orange light, or were they too rushed to make it back to camp to notice? 

Even a family who seems to know everything about their ancestors it's these minute details that are forever lost in history.  It's a shame that the simple things in life are not the ones that are handed down through generations.  I'm fiercely proud of my family and since I didn't get a chance to know them all, I'm extremely thankful to be experiencing much of the same things in life as they did.

XO Loves,

Me

 

Our Journey Through Life

I started watching a new TV series, Private Practice, well it's not actually new, I'm just newly watching it.  One of the main characters goes a little crazy, and has a breakdown over her ex-boyfriend of 3 years, suddenly marrying someone new.  It kind of hit home, and I had a little breakdown of my own.  Fortunately one of the greatest girl-friends a girl could have was able to set me straight again.  She's been my rock through so much and I just love her for it.

I had a nice busy day spent with friends and horses and it did wonderful things for lining me out.  Tonight I have a pile of bridles that need cleaning, but I decided to do a little reading first.  There were 2 wonderful quotes that oddly enough really fit into my current situation.  I don't do a Quote of the week thing really, but I thought I'd share.  "Every journey toward something is a journey away from something".  How true is that?  We always concentrate on moving forward, being a different, better version of ourselves, but do we ever consider that we're also leaving something behind?  That's a positive thing, but we should consider that in order to move forward we have to leave the past behind.  "You cannot journey to a new place and at the same time stay where you are".  Just marvelous!  I love it.

As a part of moving forward and being a different person, I decided to join a faith.  I was raised in a non-denominational church, so I'm not really converting so much as simply choosing a faith I most identify with.  I'm very happy with my choice and in fact I'm going to be baptized on Holy Saturday.  My parents are coming up and it'll be the best Easter ever.  A part of my classes requires I read a religious book written by Mathew Kelly, and it's not dry reading at all.  That's where these quotes came from, and I'm so thankful to be given this opportunity, now. 

A great thing about being baptized now is that all of the sins I've committed up to this point will be forgiven.  It truly is a chance to start anew.  A chance to be the best me I can be.  This is my chance to leave it all behind, and I'm welcoming the change with open arms. I'm definitely looking forward to this new journey in life.


Xo Loves,

Me

Believe in Your Dreams

My room-mate gave me a book to flip through today, 'Always Believe in Yourself and Your Dreams'.  It's a Collection from Blue Mountain Arts, and has a lot of very inspiring/helpful quotes in it.  It's really a pretty cool little book!

My parents have always known I'm a little dreamer.  From crazy things(even I agree) to seemingly attainable goals if I worked my hind end off, hard.  When I was really little my friends and I used to sit around and draw.  Our favorite thing?  Our ranches, when we grew up of course.  We would draw all kinds of things!  From horse barns, to arenas, to tracks and breeding facilities.  Mine always also included cattle.  We used to also enjoy coming up with crazy registered names for our horses, mostly inspired by the hundreds of APHA and AQHA Journals I had stacked under my bed.  As I got older my dreams turned into more real life ideas, and I love them all.  Even if I won't ever get the chance to travel all across Europe, its nice to dream.  Some people believe dreams are a luxury or something only children do, but that's not true.  It's important to dream and look forward to the wonderful things that are yet to come.  Here's a little excerpt from the book I read through today:

 Be a Dreamer

Dare to dream, for dreamers see tomorrow.
Dare to make a wish, for wishing makes way for hope, and hope is what keeps us all alive.
Dare to reach out for the things no one else can see.
Be unafraid to see what others cannot.
Believe in your heart and in your own goodness, for in doing so others will believe in them, too.
Believe in magic, because life is full of it.
But most of all, believe in yourself... because within you lies all of the magic, the hope, the love, and the dreams of tomorrow.
-Ron Cristian



XO Loves,

Me

Self-Image

I meant to sit down today and do another post for my TB series, but someone said something the other night on a Facebook page that kind of offended me...

I was commenting on a thread about the difference between the types of cowboys throughout the country, when someone said something rude about a friend of mine.  This friend is an Amazing person and I really look up to her.  I spoke my peace on the matter, and the offender tried saying that's not who they were talking about, but the damage was already done.  The comment really got me to thinking about self-image, and in particular that we all have our haters.

Self-image is something I have and do struggle with.  I go back and forth from being semi-happy with myself to unsure and less than pleased.  Being a woman I'm fairly certain I'm not alone here, but it is something I try to work on.  I recently made a new friend who told me I'm totally awesome!  Who doesn't like to hear that?!  That one simple comment did a lot for my ego, which rarely makes an appearance in my personality.  It made me think that maybe, just maybe I really am awesome.  Every morning the alarm on my phone goes off and as I slide the dismiss button I read 'Wake up Gorgeous'.  A constant reminder does wonders for your overall attitude.  My wonderful roommate also wrote a little message on my shower wall, 'A smile completes any outfit'.  Isn't that just so true?  The way we carry ourselves and how we portray ourselves to others is really important.  If we slunch, yes I said slunch(a hybrid of slouch and hunch) and act mousy or intimidated then that is what people will think of us.  In order to be taken seriously one must exude power and confidence, even if you don't really feel that way inside.  No matter the situation, you are what you make of it.  So make the best of every one! 

It doesn't really matter if we're Joe Schmoe down the road, the Queen of England or someone in between there will always be people who have something negative to say about us.  Naysayers and haters are abundant in this world.  I found a really great quote by Mark Twain: "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.  Small people always do that.  But the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great".

So lift your chin up, square your shoulders and tackle the ne'er-do-wells in life with reckless abandon.  Smile and say to yourself that it's all O.K. because, well, you're fabulous and that's all there is to it! 

Xoxo Loves,


Me

Sunday

As I'm lazily hanging out with the roommates, doing a little homework, I found this photo on FB. I think it pretty much just says it all.  Things we should all remember, and keep in mind for everything we do in life.
 So enjoy your Sunday, because Monday comes all too soon!




Xo Loves,

Me

Friends

I'd like to start this post off with a little quote.  I can't remember it word for word, but this is how I recall it:  Friends are like leaves, found everywhere: True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare.  This saying has stuck with me my entire life.  I remember reading it time and time again off of a plate at my grandparents house.

I've had a lot of friends throughout my short life.  Some good, some bad, but I've learned something from them all.  They've all played a part in making me the person I am today.  Some I miss, some I wish I never met.  Some are gone, some are still apart of my life.

I'm loud.  I like to laugh, a lot.  I smile too big.  My friends?  They laugh at me.  And I make them loud too.  Overwhelming is occasionally mentioned.  I find myself occasionally being very attached to my friends.  The result, I end up acting like them.  Which is definitely not always a good thing.  Best friends are very important for girls.  But I've grown.  And I've realized that not every friend is best friend worthy.  Some friends are just 3 gallons of crazy!

Friends can be taxing, emotionally draining, hurtful, encouraging, supportive and exciting.  Some friends are a couple of these things, some are all of the above.  No matter what, they all played a major part in our lives at some time.  So even though we've said good bye to some, would like to forget some and some are still playing vital roles in our todays, we should all say Thank You.  Thank You for being my leaves and diamonds....



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Searching

I'm young.  At least compared to life, I'm still young.  I'm restless.  Ill at ease.  Unsure of my path and broken.  For now I'm like Humpty Dumpty trying to put all the pieces back together again.

My Senior year of high school I dropped my classes and cancelled my dorm room at a local college.  The same week I had a new adviser and several phone meetings set up to schedule my first term at a college 9 hours way.  I spent 2 1/2 years there, but can't remember how many houses I lived in.  For an entire term my best friend and I slept on an air mattress in a friends room.  For which, we each paid $200. 

Summers were spent all over.  Ideas and dreams constantly changing.  Rodeos here and there.  Even before I lost my love, I was searching.  Although I didn't know it then because I thought I was happy wherever he was.  But fire and gasoline are never a safe combination.  We went our separate ways.  And I'm still searching.  I don't know what it is I'm hoping to find.  Something tangible, a feeling, a place or a person.  I don't even know how or if I'll know it when I find it.  Somehow I just don't think Angels will be singing...

So for now I'll settle for the unsatiable restless feeling I live with.  I'll continue to roam and travel and experience.  And hope that one day, I'll find what my heart's been searching for.



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Growing Up

It's almost midnight, and I'm seriously caught up in my new library book.  As I forced myself to put it down and brush my teeth, I started to realize how much I've grown up in the last 3 years.  As the youngest of three by 8 years, I'm typically always looked at as "the baby".  And while yes, that is true, "the baby" is now 25 years old.  I haven't been a part of this world all that long compared to most, but I can honestly say I've lived.

 From a child I've always acted older than I was.  Then I went away to college and I got to be me.  Just me.  A young and impressionable 18 year old me.  I did well.  I made friends quickly, I adapted to the high desert way of life.  I fell in love.  I moved a lot.  My family affectionately called me a gypsy and joked that from week to week they didn't know where I was or what I was doing.  A fact that I'm sure caused my mama and papa much angst.  I graduated with an Associate of Science degree and moved across state.  A decision that proved to be detrimental to my young life.  I lived in King's Valley outside of Corvallis for 6 months.  It may or may not have caused the end of my relationship, but either way its the place that caused me most emotional and physical harm.  Thankfully that summer I got an internship with BLM and I moved to SW Colorado!  I worked long hours, and any spare time I had was spent at a ranch riding race broke colts.  I loved my government experience, but I learned so much from the old man I worked for 'after hours'.  He was going through some tough times health wise and I couldn't have been happier to help him out in his time of need.

 I came back to Oregon feeling like a million bucks.  But somewhere during fall term I fell apart.  Friends and family tried to help, but how can you help someone who doesn't even know whats truly wrong?  I had several long talks with my daddy, talks that drew us closer with me being an adult.  But they didn't help.  I made several more out of state moves before finally deciding to just move home.  I was severely unhealthy.  I was overweight, had no energy and slept more than is humanly normal.  The worse part, no one could figure out just what my problem was.  So for a few months I had a chauffeur pretty much everywhere I went.  I got a job downriver and thankfully got to car pool with my mama.  My body was constantly totally exhausted.  I had 2 sleep studies with total opposite results, ending with the thought I may just be narcoleptic.  Finally an intense blood work up was done, and we had our answers.  I was deficient in almost everything, and I had toxic levels of several heavy metals.  Basically my poor body was just shutting down.  Immediate action was taken, and it wasn't long before I could actually stay awake on the car rides home.  Then on the way to work I would chat with my mama.  Finally I was again driving myself.

It's been a year and five months since I moved back, and not only am I healthier, but I've grown up.  I'm not as quick to anger, I try harder to think about how my actions affect others before I act, I like music I used to think was too 'old timey', places I've lived seem more dear, friendships more important, faith strengthened and a new religion found.  History and stories about where I come from desperately searched for.  I've had several pretty life altering events occur in my life, starting at the young age of 10.  But I'm proud to say that I've rallied back and done what I can to make my life better afterwards.  I had a nice chat with my daddy on the phone the other night(even though he's only a mile away) and he told me how proud he was of how far I've come in the last year especially.  That it's been a long road, but that I've finally figured it out for myself and I'm headed in the right direction.  He's always told me he didn't care if I was a janitor, as long as I was truly happy.  It's been awhile, but along with growing up, I've found my happiness again.   And that's something I'm truly proud of...



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Who Are You?

It's late, I'm tapping away on my new laptop(which I love btw), and listening to my favorite artist, Adrian Buckaroogirl.  And thinking, just thinking...

I love the Buckaroo Barbie blog, and Miss BB has been quite prolific lately. She's a very inspiring young woman.  One of her recent posts was about who you are and where you're going.  Are you the woman you want to be? 

With the exception of wanting to learn So many new things, 7 years ago I probably would have said Yes.  But life has a way of getting in the way.  Along with wonderful new experiences, I've endured pain, loss and heartache. Ohhh the heartache!  At times I've felt totally defeated.  I've been told it's not humanly possible to remember actual physical pain.  But what about emotional pain?  It too fades with time.  And we're left with beautiful memories and invaluable experiences that have made us stronger.

My world seems to quite the roller coaster.  Just when I draw a good hand, life calls and throws down aces.  I used to be really strong willed.  I dealt with tragedy like anything else, with quiet ease.  Somewhere along the line, I lost that ability.  With each blow it becomes increasingly harder to stand up. 

So who do I want to be?  Simple.  The girl I was at 18.  Strong, independent, intelligent, driven, honest, passionate and easy going.  I haven't lost all desireable traits, just enough to know I've strayed from the woman I was set to be.  Some of the starch has been washed out of me, and I just want to feel that fire again.  I want to stand tall and let no man intimidate me.  I want the patience of the Dalai Lama.  The drive of a US Attorney Marshall. 

If I had written this even 2 years ago, the list would have been much longer.  In the right direction I Am headed.  But pain, loss and tears are never far.  This is where I get stuck.  How do I  continue to get healthy and grow when the damned speed bumps are so close together?  I know life isn't fair, but don't we get breaks?  I've come a long way in the last year and know I have a whole life to go.  Let's add patience, tolerance and level-headed thinking to the list. 

We all have some positive things to look forward to.  Step 1- concentrate on them.  Like the way my new poly rope feels, how awesome my lime green flower looks on my palm leaf.  Or how excited I am that my big, rangy paint is really starting to soften up.  Hell, my mama drew a local Bull Elk tag, who couldn't get pumped about That?!

So as I sit here, I'll continue to ponder my life, the road I'm on and where it's leading me.  Maybe I'll have an epiphany.  Or, maybe I'll just look forward to moving back to Eastern Oregon...

"Let 'er buck gals, grab some mane, tear some hair. Let 'er buck gals he ain't gettin anywhere. Let 'er buck gals this life aint dead yet. Let 'er buck gals just spur 'em in the neck."  (Adrian. 100 Pounds. Buckaroogirl.)


XO

Me