Scorup Cabin

Scorup Cabin

Friday, August 31, 2012

Searching


I'm young.  At least compared to life, I'm still young.  I'm restless.  Ill at ease.  Unsure of my path and broken.  For now I'm like Humpty Dumpty trying to put all the pieces back together again.

My Senior year of high school I dropped my classes and cancelled my dorm room at a local college.  The same week I had a new adviser and several phone meetings set up to schedule my first term at a college 9 hours way.  I spent 2 1/2 years there, but can't remember how many houses I lived in.  For an entire term my best friend and I slept on an air mattress in a friends room.  For which, we each paid $200. 

Summers were spent all over.  Ideas and dreams constantly changing.  Rodeos here and there.  Even before I lost my love, I was searching.  Although I didn't know it then because I thought I was happy wherever he was.  But fire and gasoline are never a safe combination.  We went our separate ways.  And I'm still searching.  I don't know what it is I'm hoping to find.  Something tangible, a feeling, a place or a person.  I don't even know how or if I'll know it when I find it.  Somehow I just don't think Angels will be singing...

So for now I'll settle for the unsatiable restless feeling I live with.  I'll continue to roam and travel and experience.  And hope that one day, I'll find what my heart's been searching for.



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Monday, August 20, 2012

Freedom

                    (My favorite mare, Zenyatta, showcasing her unbelievable 28ft stride at Del Mar)

Not only am I a descendent of peoples that have warred over the centuries, but all of the men in my family have crossed oceans to fight and protect our freedom.  Freedom can mean several things for example; "the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint" or "the power to determine action without restraint".  Everyone understands this form of freedom.  But not everyone has experienced the kind of freedom that is only felt.

As the sky lightens and the sun creeps towards the top of the ridge I think about what it means to truly feel free.  Granted I'm only watching the sun rise because I haven't gone to bed yet.  The fresh, crisp, clean smell of early morning almost assaults my sleepy senses.  The air is cool, I haven't slept and I'm free to do as I please.  With no one to tell me different.

But horses, horses are different.  Some are wild and free, some are captive and free and the less fortunate are restrained.  I've recently began a new adventure.  A quest to better my skills and gain as much knowledge as possible.  I've seen wild horses, horses kept in fields, pastures, big pens and stables.  And they all have a different look in their eye.  Freedom.  Some have it, some yearn for it and some will never know it's sweet release.

Race Horses.  They're trained hard at a young age, kept in stalls and fed high energy diets.  Every move planned, every action accounted for.  But on race day, on the track, they get to be free.  Even if it's only a matter of a few seconds.  The perfect rhythm between breath and heartbeat.  The horses that love to run live for those moments of freedom.

Millions of people take riding for granted, but that's because they've never allowed themselves to feel free on the back of a horse.  It's always amazed me, when someone more experienced can take your normal horse and quickly get more from them than you ever have.  My big red mare loves to run.  She's an appendix, so I suppose it's been bred into her.  The difference is, she also has heart.  She's fast, and sometimes that raw power and crazy speed scares me.  She's a great horse and has always taken care of me.  It's that split second when I let her go, that quick feeling of panic, of relinquishing control as I feel the power in her muscles, her stride lengthen and her head reach out that I feel free.  I smile with reckless abandon when I let her gallop in the dark.  Having total faith in her love of freedom because I have no other choice.

Horses are a grand example of what it's like to feel free, even for a short time.  You can see it in their eyes, the way they carry their heads, hold their tails and run like their world goes on forever.  I appreciate, treasure, love and wonder at: Freedom.


Xoxo Loves,

Me

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Growing Up

It's almost midnight, and I'm seriously caught up in my new library book.  As I forced myself to put it down and brush my teeth, I started to realize how much I've grown up in the last 3 years.  As the youngest of three by 8 years, I'm typically always looked at as "the baby".  And while yes, that is true, "the baby" is now 25 years old.  I haven't been a part of this world all that long compared to most, but I can honestly say I've lived.

 From a child I've always acted older than I was.  Then I went away to college and I got to be me.  Just me.  A young and impressionable 18 year old me.  I did well.  I made friends quickly, I adapted to the high desert way of life.  I fell in love.  I moved a lot.  My family affectionately called me a gypsy and joked that from week to week they didn't know where I was or what I was doing.  A fact that I'm sure caused my mama and papa much angst.  I graduated with an Associate of Science degree and moved across state.  A decision that proved to be detrimental to my young life.  I lived in King's Valley outside of Corvallis for 6 months.  It may or may not have caused the end of my relationship, but either way its the place that caused me most emotional and physical harm.  Thankfully that summer I got an internship with BLM and I moved to SW Colorado!  I worked long hours, and any spare time I had was spent at a ranch riding race broke colts.  I loved my government experience, but I learned so much from the old man I worked for 'after hours'.  He was going through some tough times health wise and I couldn't have been happier to help him out in his time of need.

 I came back to Oregon feeling like a million bucks.  But somewhere during fall term I fell apart.  Friends and family tried to help, but how can you help someone who doesn't even know whats truly wrong?  I had several long talks with my daddy, talks that drew us closer with me being an adult.  But they didn't help.  I made several more out of state moves before finally deciding to just move home.  I was severely unhealthy.  I was overweight, had no energy and slept more than is humanly normal.  The worse part, no one could figure out just what my problem was.  So for a few months I had a chauffeur pretty much everywhere I went.  I got a job downriver and thankfully got to car pool with my mama.  My body was constantly totally exhausted.  I had 2 sleep studies with total opposite results, ending with the thought I may just be narcoleptic.  Finally an intense blood work up was done, and we had our answers.  I was deficient in almost everything, and I had toxic levels of several heavy metals.  Basically my poor body was just shutting down.  Immediate action was taken, and it wasn't long before I could actually stay awake on the car rides home.  Then on the way to work I would chat with my mama.  Finally I was again driving myself.

It's been a year and five months since I moved back, and not only am I healthier, but I've grown up.  I'm not as quick to anger, I try harder to think about how my actions affect others before I act, I like music I used to think was too 'old timey', places I've lived seem more dear, friendships more important, faith strengthened and a new religion found.  History and stories about where I come from desperately searched for.  I've had several pretty life altering events occur in my life, starting at the young age of 10.  But I'm proud to say that I've rallied back and done what I can to make my life better afterwards.  I had a nice chat with my daddy on the phone the other night(even though he's only a mile away) and he told me how proud he was of how far I've come in the last year especially.  That it's been a long road, but that I've finally figured it out for myself and I'm headed in the right direction.  He's always told me he didn't care if I was a janitor, as long as I was truly happy.  It's been awhile, but along with growing up, I've found my happiness again.   And that's something I'm truly proud of...



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Monday, August 13, 2012

Hoof-falls, Crickets and Jingle-bells

I don't know if you've noticed a trend, but I Love the night!  I'm absolutely terrified of Mountain Lions, but other than the things that go bump in the night I love it.  There's something especially magical about summer nights.  The heat of the day is gone, most people are at home, the world is quiet and somehow softer.

Lately my big sorrel mare has been somewhat crazy.  But tonight I put an English saddle on her and she became a totally different horse.  Jax and I headed out into the fading light.  Head down on a loose rein we trotted off to my parents.  Unlike most of our rides I didn't have to fight her to keep her at a trot.  I had a nice little visit in the yard with my papa before heading back home.

 There was no moon tonight and all I could see was the pale path of the road and the silhouette of my horse.  As the tree canopy closed over us, we became totally engulfed in the darkness.  At that point I had total trust in my horse.  When the road opened up, I let my mare lope.  It was amazing.  I haven't ridden in the dark in a long time.  Loping down the road, without having the advantage of sight is a totally liberating experience.  For those few seconds I was completely free. 

It was just me and my horse.  The sound of my mares hoof-falls, crickets and jingle-bells.  And whatever creatures that happened to be lurking in the night.

Xoxo Loves,


Me

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Sunsets and Fairytales

Sun sank low.  Green fields and hazy pink skies.  The smoldering heat of the day slowly dissipating.  Another fun whirlwind weekend over.  Evening chores done.  Sprinkler sprinkling, fans on high.  Finally a chance to sit on my porch and just Be.  Sitting outside writing in the semi-dark, listening to my favorite artist, ever.  Her and her sister have been and continue to inspire me.  They allow us to believe in who we are and encourage all to be who they've always wanted to be.  To continue to learn and grow and to never give up on a dream.

I've kind of been reflecting on the men I've had in my life(they should be so lucky!).  The good and the bad.  Mistakes made and lessons learned.  Nearing the end of this chapter in my life.  And like the pretty, smoky sunset tonight I'm laying to rest all the negative, bad and sad.  Tomorrow's sunrise is my first day of this new found freedom.  43 days until school begins.  43 days to just be me.

I must admit it's been quite awhile since I was actually excited about school.  I've missed my friends and the life I had in E. OR.  It's hard to be so far from family, and it's rare I get the chance to come home, but I love it.  I look forward to the new experiences, new people and new memories.  This time I'm ready for it all.  After-all it is my fairytale and I'll live it however I so choose...




Xoxo Loves,

Me