Today I Did

Today I did it.  I did show up to my first class ten minutes early.  I was prepared for the exam, and ready to show my teacher I am something. 

Tuesday I was completely humiliated by a professor.  I have anxiety so walking up in front of a large class is hard enough, but it's worse when the teacher rudely dismisses you and makes you feel as big as a pea.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  I didn't allow him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me.  I desperately wanted to grab my books and run out of there as fast as I could, but I didn't.  I calmly sat down, took notes and held my head high.  Even though inside I felt horrible.

Today we had our last test before finals.  The whole class is review for me, and in general isn't that tough.  I quickly hammered out the stocking rates, and moved onto grasses, which proved a little more difficult.  30 minutes into the class it happened.  The familiar racing of the heart, rolling, grumbling, churning of the stomach, and the all too intense feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest.  I needed to leave.  My test was almost done, but I knew I had to stay.  So I took some deep breaths, concentrated really hard on, well, you know, being Awesome!  It didn't really help though, the overall feeling of panic continued to grow.  I struggled through a couple questions, but tried my hardest because for some reason my teacher doesn't seem to really like me.  The toughest part of that is he's also my adviser, albeit a bad one.  I finished 15 minutes later and jetted out of there!

The uncomfortable, anxious feeling stayed with me all day...  After class a friend and I went to the Auction, where a particularly mean, horned cow tried slamming through the gate to eat us.  There were as usual, a couple horses there, and even a few Alpacas.   I wanted to pet them but I think one of them wanted to spit on me instead.  A sad looking little 5 month old filly sold for a whopping $5, and the Alpacas went for $1 each.  We ate, I got more coffee and I felt better.  I got a short nap later, then headed out to work with my horses.  Besides the rope burns inflicted by my filly, that was relaxing too.

Today was hard.  I realize that normal for me is not normal for everyone else, but I'm ok with that.  I generally have to leave school when my anxiety hits, but today I didn't. Today I did it.  I overcame the debilitating mental pressure that plagues me.  And for that I'm proud of myself. 

Wesley Woo said  "To succeed you must first improve, to improve you must first practice, to practice you must first learn, and to learn you must first fail."   So I will continue to practice and improve.


Xo Loves,


Me