Anticipation

I'm up late frantically trying to finish up a scientific paper for my plant physiology class.  It's not due until Monday but tomorrow is the last day to have our professor review it for us.  Not only is this class super hard but there's only 90 points possible and this paper is worth a third of our grade!  I've got most of it done though.
While I'm working I'm listening to my favorite list on Spotify, which includes a lot of Brenn Hill, Ian Tyson and Chris LeDoux.  It's really got my soul stirring.  For the last couple of weeks I've been applying to Range Tech jobs throughout the West.  So far I've had a call back on a job in the Dakotas and a job in Utah.  The stress and anticipation is almost too much to bare.  I've applied for a lot of jobs, there's still more I haven't gotten to, and more being posted weekly.  All of these jobs are 6 month temporary jobs, but rather than being disappointed I'm thrilled.  It gives me a chance to gain the experience I need in order to apply for a higher grade level as well as allows me the opportunity to work who knows where!  Also, my 5 year plan may or may not involve a season working as a jillaroo in Australia.  The thought of being tied down and restrained in one town right now gives me heartburn.  I'm young, I'm graduating in 4 months and other than my myriad of animals, nothing is holding me back!
For those of you reading this from another state, I just may be coming to your town soon.

XO Loves,

Me

Distraction

The rains pouring down, beating against the weak sides of my little house.  The dripping in the window sill so loud I think it's leaking.  The already saturated ground can hold no more, the water pools and runs downhill.  It was snowing just yesterday.  It seems my awful luck has struck again.  The weather has been beautiful during the weekdays, and wintery and dismal on the weekends.  Between school and work I'm stuck inside Monday-Friday.  The weekends are mine though.  Unfortunately this weekend I had too much homework to catch up on and I didn't get my usual weekend pleasure.  I doubt my ponies mind much, they must feel like they've hit the jackpot.  They haven't had to work in a week and they get to eat all day long.  I did get my newly acquired first edition of Nerve by Dick Francis read though, so it hasn't been a complete loss.  Reading about riding is almost as good as riding right?  Especially when it's the high-stakes game of steeple-chasing?

I sit here taking pleasure in the sound of the rain hitting my window and clicking of the keys as I type.  So much reading to do; investment analysis, enterprise analysis, the cost of environmental services in South America.  I think my window sill really is leaking.  I've been couped up all day and I'm finding it very hard to concentrate.  My black dog lays contentedly alongside my computer.  His long hair obscuring the side of my screen.

Only 3 more weeks until Spring Break and only 11 weeks after that until I graduate.  This is my last eighth week of winter term.  The end is so close that I'm in a constant state of giddiness.  15 more weeks as a student.  Then I'm free!  No longer will I be staying up late at night reading things that really don't interest me.  No longer will I have to stress over time management when it comes to class, homework and work.  I'm almost done.  I can do this.  Now if I could just get some riding time in...

XO Loves,


Me

End of the Term

Oregon schools are on a quarter system as opposed to the more common semester.  I'm pretty fond of it, because we don't start until the last week in September(that way we can go to the Pendleton Round-Up), and terms only last 10 weeks.  Tomorrow is week 10!  I only had 3 classes this term, and only have 2 Real finals.  Tuesday I have dinner and a movie for my Anthropology final, and then Range on Wednesday and Math on Thursday.  Friday my cousin gets here at 4:30 in the morning.  He graciously agreed to ride the Greyhound up here and help me drive home.  It's only 10 hours or so, straight, but I'm taking horses home and that makes for a longer trip.  Me in a rig, driving long distances just isn't a good combo anymore.  Lucky for me I've got a cousin who likes to travel!

I've only been gone 3 months, but Winter Break is the only time I really get to go home for any length of time.  And I am super excited!  My parents put in a new floor, and got new furniture upstairs, meaning the re-model is officially over.  I think... It will also be Ms. Macies family debut.  A lot going on, and a lot to look forward to.      Let's not forget, it's Christmas Time folks!!!!




Xo Loves,


Me

Today I Did

Today I did it.  I did show up to my first class ten minutes early.  I was prepared for the exam, and ready to show my teacher I am something. 

Tuesday I was completely humiliated by a professor.  I have anxiety so walking up in front of a large class is hard enough, but it's worse when the teacher rudely dismisses you and makes you feel as big as a pea.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  I didn't allow him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me.  I desperately wanted to grab my books and run out of there as fast as I could, but I didn't.  I calmly sat down, took notes and held my head high.  Even though inside I felt horrible.

Today we had our last test before finals.  The whole class is review for me, and in general isn't that tough.  I quickly hammered out the stocking rates, and moved onto grasses, which proved a little more difficult.  30 minutes into the class it happened.  The familiar racing of the heart, rolling, grumbling, churning of the stomach, and the all too intense feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest.  I needed to leave.  My test was almost done, but I knew I had to stay.  So I took some deep breaths, concentrated really hard on, well, you know, being Awesome!  It didn't really help though, the overall feeling of panic continued to grow.  I struggled through a couple questions, but tried my hardest because for some reason my teacher doesn't seem to really like me.  The toughest part of that is he's also my adviser, albeit a bad one.  I finished 15 minutes later and jetted out of there!

The uncomfortable, anxious feeling stayed with me all day...  After class a friend and I went to the Auction, where a particularly mean, horned cow tried slamming through the gate to eat us.  There were as usual, a couple horses there, and even a few Alpacas.   I wanted to pet them but I think one of them wanted to spit on me instead.  A sad looking little 5 month old filly sold for a whopping $5, and the Alpacas went for $1 each.  We ate, I got more coffee and I felt better.  I got a short nap later, then headed out to work with my horses.  Besides the rope burns inflicted by my filly, that was relaxing too.

Today was hard.  I realize that normal for me is not normal for everyone else, but I'm ok with that.  I generally have to leave school when my anxiety hits, but today I didn't. Today I did it.  I overcame the debilitating mental pressure that plagues me.  And for that I'm proud of myself. 

Wesley Woo said  "To succeed you must first improve, to improve you must first practice, to practice you must first learn, and to learn you must first fail."   So I will continue to practice and improve.


Xo Loves,


Me

Growing Up

It's almost midnight, and I'm seriously caught up in my new library book.  As I forced myself to put it down and brush my teeth, I started to realize how much I've grown up in the last 3 years.  As the youngest of three by 8 years, I'm typically always looked at as "the baby".  And while yes, that is true, "the baby" is now 25 years old.  I haven't been a part of this world all that long compared to most, but I can honestly say I've lived.

 From a child I've always acted older than I was.  Then I went away to college and I got to be me.  Just me.  A young and impressionable 18 year old me.  I did well.  I made friends quickly, I adapted to the high desert way of life.  I fell in love.  I moved a lot.  My family affectionately called me a gypsy and joked that from week to week they didn't know where I was or what I was doing.  A fact that I'm sure caused my mama and papa much angst.  I graduated with an Associate of Science degree and moved across state.  A decision that proved to be detrimental to my young life.  I lived in King's Valley outside of Corvallis for 6 months.  It may or may not have caused the end of my relationship, but either way its the place that caused me most emotional and physical harm.  Thankfully that summer I got an internship with BLM and I moved to SW Colorado!  I worked long hours, and any spare time I had was spent at a ranch riding race broke colts.  I loved my government experience, but I learned so much from the old man I worked for 'after hours'.  He was going through some tough times health wise and I couldn't have been happier to help him out in his time of need.

 I came back to Oregon feeling like a million bucks.  But somewhere during fall term I fell apart.  Friends and family tried to help, but how can you help someone who doesn't even know whats truly wrong?  I had several long talks with my daddy, talks that drew us closer with me being an adult.  But they didn't help.  I made several more out of state moves before finally deciding to just move home.  I was severely unhealthy.  I was overweight, had no energy and slept more than is humanly normal.  The worse part, no one could figure out just what my problem was.  So for a few months I had a chauffeur pretty much everywhere I went.  I got a job downriver and thankfully got to car pool with my mama.  My body was constantly totally exhausted.  I had 2 sleep studies with total opposite results, ending with the thought I may just be narcoleptic.  Finally an intense blood work up was done, and we had our answers.  I was deficient in almost everything, and I had toxic levels of several heavy metals.  Basically my poor body was just shutting down.  Immediate action was taken, and it wasn't long before I could actually stay awake on the car rides home.  Then on the way to work I would chat with my mama.  Finally I was again driving myself.

It's been a year and five months since I moved back, and not only am I healthier, but I've grown up.  I'm not as quick to anger, I try harder to think about how my actions affect others before I act, I like music I used to think was too 'old timey', places I've lived seem more dear, friendships more important, faith strengthened and a new religion found.  History and stories about where I come from desperately searched for.  I've had several pretty life altering events occur in my life, starting at the young age of 10.  But I'm proud to say that I've rallied back and done what I can to make my life better afterwards.  I had a nice chat with my daddy on the phone the other night(even though he's only a mile away) and he told me how proud he was of how far I've come in the last year especially.  That it's been a long road, but that I've finally figured it out for myself and I'm headed in the right direction.  He's always told me he didn't care if I was a janitor, as long as I was truly happy.  It's been awhile, but along with growing up, I've found my happiness again.   And that's something I'm truly proud of...



Xoxo Loves,

Me