When the Fog Rolls In

Most people hate fog.  You can't see in it, it's cold, it's wet and damp, it's a nuisance.  But to me it's so much more.  It's my momma telling me stories about vampires and that when I see fog at night I shouldn't walk through it.  It's long road trips home through freezing fog making the trip all the more memorable.  It's cool, windy mornings hunting with my poppa. 

There's something unearthly about being above the fog when the sun rises.  A heavy gray layer that looks so dense you think you can walk on it.  Fog pretty much always reminds me of hunting season.  I remember one hunt in particular.  I had just turned 12 that summer, so this was my first trip hunting deer where I actually got to carry a rifle.  My poppa and I headed up the mountain long before the sun began to lighten the sky.  As black slowly turned into gray we were already headed to a bluff to wait for sunrise.  The fog was so thick you could only see about 6 feet around you.  It was just my poppa, me and our big dog.  The wind was howling and I was terribly cold.  My poppa tucked me down amongst some rocks and placed our dog and himself in front of me blocking most of the wind.  We couldn't see the sunrise, but it did eventually get light.  It was probably another hour before the fog finally lifted.  Only what it revealed wasn't what we expected at all.  Unbeknownst to us there were in fact several other hunters scattered around us.  Realizing that hunting there was futile we went searching elsewhere.  Cold weather and fog always bring those images to mind and I love it. 

Heavy fog at night or in the cold gray light of morning I can't help but remember the tales my momma used to spin.  She's a fantastic story teller, seriously the brother's Grimm have nothing on her.  Tales so ridiculous they were never believable, but told with such conviction that you had to wonder.  "Don't worry" she'd say, "I'll protect you".  Those pesky vamps, just wandering around in the fog looking for their next victim.

So as you can see I have fond memories circling fog.  I also find it quite peaceful.  There's something to be said for being blind to most of your surroundings. It's as though all of your senses kick into overdrive and you're more aware than ever.  It's rather pleasant if not a touch frightening as well.  What can I say though, I always did like a good thrill.

XO Loves,


Me 

Running Away

In the last couple of years I've gone through some major life changes.  I've hit rock bottom and thought for the longest time that I'd never rise above it all.  Somewhere along the line though I grew up and before I knew it I'd changed.  I found myself again and with strong determination I found my path as well.  I haven't looked back and I can honestly say that there's very little in life I've ever regretted. 
I've worked hard to overcome my demons.  I'm much stronger and self assured than I was even two years ago.  I tried to forget, I tried crying it out, tried drinking the pain away, talked with a counselor and even tried outrunning the memories.  But here I am, 1,000 miles away from all the pain that I've ever endured and I'm forced to face it all again. 
Facebook is a gift and a curse.  I have very little cell service at my house and during the day I usually have none at all.  Thankfully I'm not on Facebook very often.  However, the last couple of weeks I've come face to face with names through friends that cause an immediate unwanted reaction.  It doesn't matter how many years have gone by,  even the simple mention of their names causes my heart to race and I falter between being angry and deeply sad.  It's worse at night because then my subconscious is left to deal with the heartache and pain, which usually leaves me exhausted and totally unsettled the next morning. 
I wish I was stronger.  I wish I could hear their names and see their pictures and feel nothing.  I wish I could be a cold hearted, uncaring, unemotional woman who has completely left her past behind her.  Try as I may I'll always be too emotional.  I'll always care too much and I'll always end up hurt.  Hiding out here in the desert where the deer population outnumbers the human sounds better and better.  They say time heals all wounds, but even the oldest of my wounds still slows me down. 
I'd have to say my favorite flower is cactus.  They are the true beauties of the desert, growing in otherwise impossible conditions.  They hold out until they have all they need then they grow the most beautiful flower.  Something so beautiful you wouldn't think you'd see it growing in sand where very little rain falls.  They're almost inspiring.  They make me feel like no matter how impossible life gets or how I feel that at some point I'll have all I'll need.  Someday I can grow into that beautiful flower and all will be right within my soul.  I dream and pray for that day.

XO Loves,

Me

Pendleton, OR

I'm sure everyone has that town.  That one great town they love/loved visiting or living in.  Of course this really only applies if you've traveled or moved much.  I chose to go to college a long way from home and in that journey found the only other town that's ever truly felt like home.  That town for me is Pendleton, OR. 

I remember when I moved there the first time, it was Round-Up week.  How could you move to Pendleton for school and not go to the Round-Up?  Greatest show I've ever seen, I've since been 5 more times.  My papa and I went to the second night of the PBR and the first day of the actual rodeo.  It is really something during the national anthem to have fighter jets fly overhead.  For those of you who have never been or don't know much about it, it's a PRCA rodeo that lasts a week.  The town swells from about 16,000 to 75,000.  Motels are packed, trailers and tents are parked and tucked away everywhere.  They completely block off Main Street for vendors and shows.  There are tents full of goods all around the Round-Up grounds and you can't forget about the tribal village that's set up behind the arena.  My favorite is always the fry bread, but they have such beautiful jewelry and other assorted goods for sale too.  Guess what I'm getting at is you really want to bring a lot of spending money.  One of our first stops was Hamley's.  It really meant a lot to my papa who has ridden Hamley saddles his entire life.  The store had had a devastating fire years ago and opened once again the week before we got there.  In the 60's my papa ordered a custom saddle for around $300, nowadays they cost at least 10 times that.  Some may say they're nothing special, but then again they've probably never ridden a Hamley ;) .

I was 18 that year and even though I'd been to Cow Palace, I'd never seen such an event.  My dad and I strolled down Main St. one night and watched the festivities since I clearly couldn't go to the bars.  I remember watching a guy get hypnotized and think he was Brittney Spears, later we'd become friends.  The all time highlight though was a cowboy, he was a roper, who rode his horse into Crabby's Underground Saloon.  My dad and I got quite a kick out of it and just knew the bouncer was sure to kick him right out.  Shortly he did indeed come back out, but only to let his horse do what he needed to do.  All be damned if they didn't let him and his horse stay in the bar!  I knew right then that that town was going to be awesome.

It didn't disappoint.  I made lots of friends, met tons of people, drank copious amounts of beer and in general partied like a little rock-star.  It was great!  I even got to ride my horse in the Round-Up arena at NIRA finals.  True to the laws of life it wasn't all rainbows and glitter, but boy do I look back on those years fondly.  I experienced life to it's fullest and I never wanted to leave.  Unfortunately the college is only a Junior College, so eventually it all came to an end.  I'm pretty sure my graduating class was the end of an epic era.  When I went back the parties weren't near as big and groups became more cliquish. Now don't assume all I did was party.  I continued to get excellent grades, oddly enough we all rushed to do homework as soon as it was assigned so that we had more time to well basically screw off. 

From September of 2005 to December of 2008 I lived in 9 different houses.  One place I only lived in for a month, my boxes never left the porch or got unpacked.  After that my best friend and I paid $200 apiece for the luxury of a blow up mattress on the floor of our roommates bedroom.  We were very mobile at this point in our lives.  I only lived in Pendleton one summer, the other two were spent in CA and Mt. Vernon.  This year when my parents brought me back to La Grande for my final year of college we got to talking.  Even though I haven't lived in Pendleton for years and I've been here for the last 2, Pendleton still feels more like home than La Grande ever has.  Last week I had to take my trailer over for an alignment.  Friday when I picked it up I decided to run some errands.  I spent probably an hour on Main St talking to different business owners.  As I was leaving I ran into the guy who worked on my trailer and chatted with him for a second.  Whether or not these people remembered me or even knew me at all they were friendly.  People just aren't that friendly on this side of the mountain.  Every time I drop down off of Cabbage Hill my soul quiets.  It's like I can breathe easy and I just feel so at home.  A sense of comfort and confidence instantly rolls over me.  I don't know if I'll ever get to live in Pendleton again, or if it's really where I should be anymore.  But I'll always love it and the friends I still have there and the folks who've become like family will always hold a special place in my heart. 

Adrian Buckaroogirl has a song I'm Leaving Nevada, and when I left Pendleton in 2011 this song really rang true.  "This damn truck is taking me away from where I belong", that's exactly how I felt.  I literally cried.  Even though I knew I had to move due to health issues it didn't make it any better.  I may be 50 miles east now but I'm still close enough to make day trips and visit when I want to.  In June I'm moving to Utah and in the fall when my job is done I'll move back home.  It saddens my heart to not know when I'll get to come back. 

XO Loves,

Me

Photos from the Past

I was looking through some old pictures I had, and thought I'd share some.

Some waterfalls we did a group project on in a Recreation class at OSU. I think they were outside of Salem.

These little guys lived in a pond by Burger King and were very friendly.

Puss lookin for some goodies LOL

My cat Bug and my friends bunny.

Loved it!

Biscuit Rock, somewhere in SW Colorado

Chimney Rock Ranch, Ridgeway, CO

My favorite stud on the Hawke's Ranch in Olathe, CO

Found this little guy in a gulch while walking fence.

One Awesome little nephew.

Oh yea, these are still in motel rooms. Motel we stayed in for a college rodeo in Ellensburg, WA

Little collection of random.  It's always fun looking through old photos.

XO Loves,

 

Me