I Miss My Friend

As pet owners and animal lovers we all experience loss.  My first two pets were a bunny named Thumper and a cat named Junior.  The bunny was killed by a dog in front of me, the cat ran away to the neighbors.  I was somewhere around 5 at the time.  When my papa culled cows I always told them I was sorry, I thanked them for being good to us and told them I'd never forget them.  I would promptly go home and write about them in my little diary.  I sat high in the barn watching in fascination as my grandpa, papa, uncle and assorted family and friends butchered steers that we had raised.  When I was 8 or 9 our Akita ran off with my dads little cowdog pup Queenie.  He took her up the mountain and she never found her way home.  I remember sitting upstairs staring up the road, every day believing that would be the day she came home.  I cried intensely when my dad sold his Thoroughbred mare Sunset.  I loved her and thought with childish conviction that she was the greatest horse there ever was.  When in reality, she wasn't tough enough to be a mountain horse and more often than not threw her rider.

There's been so many losses over the years, mostly cats due to the big cats that frequent our area.  It's the last five losses, two in particular that hurt the most.  It's always harder to lose an animal before they're old.  My papa's amazing Heeler Butte got ran over last year.  The year before that my best friend Fanncie ate too much hide, got compacted and ran off to die.  The fall before that my cat Puss died of smoke inhalation.  My favorite big, red mare Dallie was killed earlier that spring and my little Chiweener Lil'Anne got ran over the summer before that.  You may find this all quite morbid indeed, but the best way to keep their memories alive is to talk about them.

Dallie and Fanncie were by far my closest loves.  For me animals have always been more than pets, their existence more meaningful than words can describe.  They helped me through many a slump.  My big mare dumped me several times, but I fell more and more in love with her every time I rode her.  Hell, I even hauled her all the way to Colorado with me for a summer.  Fanncie and I had an unrivaled bond, her being my first dog.  I got her at the Red Bluff Bull and Gelding Sale my junior year of highschool.  I took her out to the pickup where she curled up on my shoulders in my hair and slept.  As a puppy she once pooped in the back of my Chemistry class.  As an adult she kept many a man at bay, chasing a few completely out of my house.  She wasn't exactly friendly at first site.  At 30 lbs she wasn't big, but she was aggressive, fierce and always protective of me.  Carrying or not, I always felt safe with her around.  I once took her into a Rest Area bathroom with me because it was the middle of the night and I wasn't about to be pounced on.  She tangled with a coyote, had many a row with other dogs, had her face shut in a pick-up door and took many a hit by bulls and cows alike.  Scars, broken teeth and tattered ears she was an adorable little dingo looking dog.  She was wicked tough and snake mean, I couldn't have loved her more.  My heart broke as much for the loss of her as it did losing my ex-fiance. 

Fanncie and Butte lie together in death much the same as they ran together in life.  A team to be reckoned with.  Dallie's buried out in the feedlot alongside our other fallen equines.  Puss and Lil'Anne were buried together under a maple in the backyard.  They're not alone even though they're gone.

Animals simply don't live as long as we do.  Death is a part of life, an important lesson many of us learned in the Lion King.  Each and every animal I've had has left its mark on my heart.  Some hurt more to think about than others.  We learn and grow, taking a little something from every experience.  As long as puppies and foals are being born I'll continue to let them into my heart.  Tears will be shed every bit as much as love and joy will be felt.

XO Loves,

Me

I Still Love You

"Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore.  You lost the love I loved the most.  I learned to live half a life.  Now you want me one more time. Who do you think you are?"


I had a fantastic weekend.  Rodeo, beer, music and dancing, horses and family.  But while spending time with my cousins, I saw something in them that I live with in myself.  The in-ability to mend a broken heart.

It's been three years since my world fell apart.  Less than one since all contact ended.  It was the best yet worse thing that has ever happened to me.  The highlight of my life until I lost my love and my health.  It's been a long three years but finally I feel healthy again. I still have a ways to go, but I'm so proud of how far I've come.  My emotions however, have been harder to heal.  We were perfect in so many ways, but we also had tornado in a small town days too.  It's these days I now seem to have forgotten.  The petty fights and harsh words nothing but a faint memory.  I remember the good, hell the great.  I haven't felt that since, and sometimes wonder if I ever will again.  You can apologize, plead and hope, but sometimes nothings ever enough.  I had my days of mourning the past, the self-pity, the hate, regret, a sense of total loss.  Now, I'm just empty.

This weekend I saw the same emptiness in the eyes of my cousins.  The distracted conversations and sudden disappearances.  Ending in the attempt to lose themselves in the arms of another woman.  These boys are brothers and look out for each other, but they don't know how to fix this kind of broken.  They're both completely confused.  The oldest more lost than the other.  I hurt for them because the same pain is still so real for me.  My heart has become a ghost and I miss the one I loved the most.

Love should be easy.  Life isn't, but the true act of loving is the most basic aspect of our lives.  It comes to us naturally, some ignore it, some mistake it for other feelings, and the lucky simply enjoy it.  We all know if it's meant to be so shall it be.  But it's that revelation we can't always come to terms with. 

I wish I could help my cousins, but men don't listen to women well (unless it's their mama).  What's the point in experience if you can't help others. 

I still love you and always will, but we'll never get back what once was, alone or apart.

Fanncie

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The sound of the rain falling outside, matches that of the tears falling from my eyes.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

My heart pulls as I remember her last days.

It breaks when I remember the pain.

The tears flow harder than the rain.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

5 weeks, 17; 8 and 25

Eyes puffy, face wet.

She's one Dingo I'll never forget.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Lies & Frustration

I remember several things from when I was little. 
1. Always look people in the eye when being chastized
2. Never betray a loved one's trust, because once destroyed, it's near impossible to re-gain.

The first lesson has served me quite well.  Throughout my childhood, many adults have been taken aback at my direct eye contact during uncomfotable situations.  Apparently they expected to see another hang-dog dejected child with eyes lowered to the ground...

The second I've always felt is the most important lesson in life.  My papa taught me to be loyal until betrayed.  And that's just what I've done.  Many times I've dug in my heels, backing up a friend.  Defending their position on any issue.  Very rarely have I taken the correct side in those issues :s  While being trustworthy, honest and loyal, I apparently am also extremely gullible.

It's my main source of frustration.  What kind of friend or lover sabotages a pure trust?  After many "break-ups", (not all of the romantic sort) I've become wary and distrusting of most.  To the point where I may have subconsciously pushed away the love of my life.  I'm not sure when the loyal, trusting little girl, lost her faith in humanity.  It seems like now I tend to distrust before I trust.  I'm not completely jaded mind you, I do have some good friends, and always good family!  But the children of my general generation have mostly lost the morals and values of old.  Nowadays, lies and deceit are more commonly expected than truth and honesty.  It's amazing that I've actually lost friends because I expected them to be honest with me.  Can you believe that???

Since my last 'mistake', I've done some reading.  And misunderstanding seems to be the cause of most lies.  One party simply doesn't know how to convey their feelings to the other.  A type of panic sets in, and complete idiocy comes out, rather than the truth.  Then when either, or both parties become upset, words are spoken in anger and haste.  It is true that words are just words.  And we commonly say hurtful things to those we love in an effort to hurt them like they've hurt us.

This is a very toxic tactic for any relationship.  But unfortunately, very common.  How do we change this disasterous downward trend?  I believe that marriages 120 years ago were more successful due to the respect men had for women.  We were reveered, loved, cherished and praised.  We were the givers of life and therfore demanded respect.  Divorce wasn't an option and not something taken lightly.

I'm not adverse to divorce these days.  Sometimes we simply make the wrong decision that day at the alter.  But it all comes back to men not fully respecting women.  If either side wouldn't lie or play games, the business of ultimate trust would be much easier indeed!

So come now, it's easy, as simple as telling the truth....  Will we ever have the luxary of being the loyal trusting little girls we once were???

You will know the truth
and the truth will set
you free.
John 8:32

That's all for now my pretties

XO

Me