Holding Back

Due to recent events in my life, I felt like finally expressing these thoughts was about time.  Have you ever not done something because you were afraid?  Unsure of yourself?  Embarrassed?  I have, a lot.  For as long as I can remember I've held back, not in fear of the action itself, but in fear of being judged, ridiculed, laughed at or looking stupid.  Those who are confident in who they are and their place in the world will never understand that feeling until they've experienced it.  It's not a good feeling, for me it gives me major anxiety.  Sometimes I'll allow the confident around me to force me into doing something I'm uncomfortable with only to end up not being able to handle it and wanting desperately to run away and hide. 

I don't ask questions in big classes for fear of someone thinking "geez that's a stupid question, quit wasting my time".

I sit in the back of the class, not because I want to goof off, but because I have an irrational fear of people staring at me from behind.

When I was young I thought it was bad to sway your hips when you walked.  The result is that now I have a very stiff, straight gait.

When I started running barrels I didn't like holding onto the horn because I thought people would think it was because I couldn't ride.

I got super nervous about running barrels in the first place for fear of people thinking I was too big.

I've wanted to team rope since highschool, but I've always been too afraid to take advantage of the opportunities I've had throughout the years.

I don't dance unless I've had plenty of liquid courage, because I don't feel like I have rhythm. 

I don't ask gear questions around those who are most knowledgeable because I'm embarrassed that I don't already know.

I don't flirt, because I'm just positive no one's interested in me that way.

I've always loved the gym, but I used to get super self-conscious in them because I wasn't fit, I felt constantly judged.

These are all totally ridiculous fears, and I fully recognize that.  Some of them I've overcome, the dancing one I might not ever get over...  The point here though, is that we should never not achieve our goals, or quit working towards our dreams just because we're worried about other people.   It's our life, not there's so who cares!

XO Loves,

Me