Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow...

Yesterday I went to work with my cousin out in the valley.  We were supposed to move the guys cows to his winter grounds.  20 minutes before we were supposed to be there to feed, we get a call from him.  Wondering if we'd left yet, because it was pretty nasty out there.  We live over an hour away, of course we'd left!  Well Casey and I aren't the kind to be deterred by a little bad weather.  We got to the ranch and waited for the owner so we could start feeding. It was cold, but not too bad, or so we thought.  Opened the door and I felt like Mary Poppins!  Seriously, I thought Dorothy was going to blow in from Kansas!  It was hard to walk, it's not easy to buck a serious head wind.  We loaded up and headed out.  There were three bunches of cows to feed, one being the herd we were supposed to move.  Casey and I were really hoping he wouldn't cancel, but it wasn't looking good.  Feeding was a nightmare!  Hay, and dirt in my eyes like never before.  There were several times that Casey and I just fed with our eyes shut because we couldn't open them.  Every time I got off the truck the wind blew me back on my butt!  I've honestly never witnessed let alone been in, such strong winds.  When we got to the big bunch and he told us to feed, we were crushed.  A couple of the other folks who were supposed to help had called and backed out, not that there weren't all kinds of other guys that would have helped.  Our horses were in the trailer and ready to go, we still wanted to ride!  Just didn't have anywhere to go.

 So we decided to go to the little diner and have a beer.  Yea it was 11, but we were down in the dumps.  Before we finished a guy called and said he needed help feeding some big bales.  So we took off to help him, I was however, instructed to stay in the pickup.  Well fine with me, it was starting to snow, and was just cold.  After awhile I had no idea where they had gone, it was snowing hard and I couldn't see anything.  So little Miss Pippy and I just holed up in the pickup and waited.  I called my daddy and he told me it was also snowing downriver, and that if we wanted to make it home with the horses we needed to get out of there right then.  Finally the guys showed up and off we went.  It had snowed probably six inches in somewhere around three hours.  It was getting nasty in a hurry.  We only slid towards the river a couple times.  Made it home by four and got all the horses put up.  Just before dinner the power went out.  That was ok, we played cards and my daddy read us some Edgar Allen Poe(he couldn't find his Robert Service book).  We had a great time huddled around the table in the lamplight.  The power came back on about midnight.

Here are some photos I took yesterday from mid day on.

These were all taken consecutively.  It's just beautiful!




Xoxo Loves,


Me

Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree!

I just finished putting tinsel on our tree and it got me to thinking about all the different kinds of trees people have.  In our family we've always preferred the even, flat branches of a Silver Tip(Shasta or Noble Fir).  These beautiful trees only grow above a certain elevation, which is pretty high!  There's been several years that we got an early snowstorm and actually rode in to get our tree, dragging it back to the pickup behind a horse.

I remember the first time I got to go.  I was somewhere around 10 I think, but really that's just a guess. I was riding my sisters wicked little mare Shaniko, my dad was on his good gelding and my sister was riding a friends huge mare. Really my sister and I should have switched horses because even at 10 I was taller than her! When I say Shaniko was little I mean like pony size.  The snow got so deep she could barely wade her way through it, so I waited on the road while my sister and dad got a tree.  They wrapped it up in a tarp and my dad decided he'd pull it.  All was fine until they moved.  The sound of the tarp on the snow was too much for all of our horses.  The mare my sister was on handled it pretty well, but my dads horse took off running, trying to figure out why the sound was following him, haha.  Shaniko on the other hand, was the worst.  She loved to buck and just because she was belly deep in the snow didn't mean she wasn't gonna get rank.  Somehow I stayed on, got her straightened out and took off after my sister.  We weren't sure how far old Gus ran before settling down.

My mom is very particular about Christmas decorations and even more so with the tree.  My dad Always does the lights and the rest of us do the ornaments and mom does the tinsel.  Most of our ornaments are ones us kids made through the years, with a few gorgeous crystal crystals(which are my moms favorite), some pewter ones and ones marking our births.  The topper has forever been a light up angel.  When I was little there was an accident and the poor angel burned her cheek. This year my mom was gone and she entrusted me with all the decorating.  So I made sure to do everything very tactfully!  The tinsel literally gets put on one or two pieces at a time.  It kind of takes forever!  But I know my mom will love the tree.

What kind of trees do your families like?  Bushy, open, short, tall?  What kind of ornaments? Homemade or store bought?  Do you use tinsel, garland, popcorn or bows?  Do you do the whole color coordinated thing?  Or even just go for the fake store bought tree?  What are some Christmas family traditions you have???

          (This was my tree last year. The lights were really funky and I didn't have enough.  It was green and pink themed.)




Xoxo Loves,


Me

Oregon to California

My cousin and I made it home Monday night late.  I meant to write this post Tuesday, but I got wrapped up in the excitement of being home.  Then we had calves to doctor and an injured cow to save.  To top it all off we were experiencing issues with our internet, which resulted in the amazing upgrade to wireless! So now the story telling begins, it's bound to be a bit scattered, just like the trip.

My cousin Casey is four years younger than me, his sister used to be my best friend, now we've become closer.  He's loud and odd and funny and we always have a blast!  He agreed to ride the Greyhound just to help me get home safely.  That's where his adventure started...

Casey got on the Greyhound in Medford, along with a lot of other people.  Right off the bat, the bus wouldn't start.  Once on the road it only makes sense with our awful Irish luck that the person in front of him would lay his seat back on top of him.  They struggled along to Portland, where he originally had a two hour layover.  My dad had previously warned him of the potential perils awaiting, and to find a spot in the corner of the bus station and not let his guard down.  Thankfully they were running behind and he only had to wait an hour, with several gang members skulking about and another pacing back and forth behind him(no where to sit on the wall).  He was pretty anxious and a little worried sitting there in a cowboy hat and sponsor covered ACTRA coat.  He thought for sure he'd be the target of a jumping...  Hehe, hey we come from a very small, safe community that is no longer even a town.  Needless to say the kid followed a mother and her children on the bus safe and sound.

On the way east it was rumored that there was a huge snow storm in La Grande, and they may have to stay in Stanfield.  I was contentedly tucked away in the movie theater watching Breaking Dawn Part II.  It was snowing, but not sticking.  After the movie I chose to stay awake just in case I needed to drive over the mountain and rescue him.  A snowstorm set in and we got a little worried.  They chained up over the mountain and got to La Grande an hour and half late.  I slept maybe 45 minutes.  We got another couple hours before getting up and going to Catholic class.  The rest of the day was spent riding horses, ending in a bitter cold blizzard.  The next morning we got up early and preg checked/vaccinated cows, in the snow.  That night we went out.  It soon became my friends personal duty to get him drunk, buying him a Cement Mixer that the bartender made him drink outside.  We got home around 5 am.  The kid and I passed out in the living room and didn't wake up until 2 in the afternoon.  The next morning we set out.

By the time we got all of my clothes loaded, the trailer hooked up, horses loaded and mail sent out it was 10:30.  We made good time though, it had warmed up and most of the snow and ice on the freeway had rained off.  As we approached the HWY 97 cut off I told Casey to watch for Bighorn Sheep.  He had about given up on spotting any, when we see 4 rams!  It was awesome.  We stopped in Biggs for fuel.  While inside, we got iced coffee at McD's, and there was a very attractive foreign(Russian) guy behind us.  I promise this has some importance.  When we finally make it out of the truck stop, we follow a cop onto the freeway.  He takes off, lights flashing.  Just a ways down the road, brake lights come on, and everyone starts to merge into the left lane.  I see the cop stopped but the Russian in his Toyota and little trailer is right next to my trailer, and I'm trapped in my lane.  I brake, but there's nothing I can do.  When the road opens up I see large traffic cones all over my lane.  There was nothing to do but run them over, but I only hit one.  I panic, because I didn't see it come out, and I didn't move over for the cop.  Casey tries to reassure me that everything is just fine, but I know better!  There's just no where to stop.  Next thing I know, the cop is behind me with his lights flashing.  Dang it!!!   Why me?  Why do I Always get pulled over???  Casey's just laughing because he was with me for my last ticket, pulling my trailer.  There is no shoulder and we're on the freeway, but I finally pull over.  As the officer approaches my rig he stops and grabs something, the cone!  There's no base left and it's much worse for wear.  He comes up and says that he just wanted to get that cone out, because it was really starting to smoke, I apologized for not moving over, but he saw what happened and knew I couldn't.  He was a very nice guy, and pretty cute himself!  We made it through Portland without a hitch, and stopped just south of there to let the horses out.  I was done in and Casey took over.

Casey has astigmatism, and really doesn't see very well without his glasses.  Which he quit wearing because, "they looked dorky".  We stopped in Salem for fuel.  This is where the magic happened.  On our way back out to the freeway we were sitting at a stoplight.  Just making conversation he asks if that street sign says Hawhorse.  I start laughing hysterically because its Hawthorne.  "Oh Lord, I feel like  you need a walking stick and seeing eye dog! And not be driving".  We're both just rolling at this point, but I wasn't sure if I'd get to sleep after that or not.  But I was tired and he promised he really could see just fine, so I slept until Eugene.  I want to add in here that my puppy Macie was a wonderful little passenger the whole way.  We joked,  laughed, made fun of each other and sang pretty much the whole rest of the way.  Slid into the truck stop at Central Point with maybe a gallon or two to spare.  The tranny got pretty hot pulling the Siskiyous but we made it over just fine.  I wasn't sure if we'd make it down the river in one piece though because he pretty much never saw any of the deer.

We rolled into the ranch around 11, unloaded and cleaned my pickup out so he could take it to work the next day.  I crawled into bed and thanked God for good family and making it possible for me to come home.


This is probably the longest post Ever, so I understand if you didn't make it all the way through :) If you did, thanks for reading.  I'll try to never ramble this much again!


Xoxo Loves,


Me

End of the Term = The Road Home

I finished my last final today!  It didn't go as well as I had hoped, and I really have no idea how I did or what I got in the class.  But at this point, I don't even care!  I'm taking a little me time tonight and finally going to watch the newest Twilight with my roomy.  My cousin will be here at 4:30 a.m. and then I have Catholic class at 11:30.  Saturday we're preg-checking and vaccinating cows for a friend, and somewhere in there we'll fit in some riding of the colts. 

Monday morning the cousin, my puppy, two horses and I will set out on our grand adventure home.  Being a Rainey, unfortunately means having bad luck, or rather no luck at all.  My cousin and I almost always end up in some sort of melee.  Its already started and he's not even here yet!  He got on the bus, and it wouldn't start, and now its supposed to snow and we have several passes to make it through.  Where's the justice I ask?!  It should be a good time and I know better than to say with any certainty just when we'll make it home. So here's to hoping we make it at all!


Stay tuned for an actual account.



Xo Loves,



Me

Beautiful Women From Our Past...

Women in the old days flat had class.  They were amazing!  There were a lot of new opportunities for women at the turn of the century.  By 1928 women were earning 39% of the college degrees given in the US.  In 1933 Frances Perkins became the first woman cabinet member.  In 1943 the All-American Women's Baseball League was founded.  In 1955 Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus, starting the Montgomery bus boycott.

I'm really into history, and while I'm not a feminist I do think the women that fought for our rights were strong and unbelievably courageous! So here are some pictures I Googled that I thought were fun.

You may recognize some of these women, but for the most part it was just a random selection :)




XO Loves,


Me

The Essence of Compassion

I've been going to physical therapy for my knees for almost 3 months now.  It's really frustrating because they hurt, but no one can say with any certainty why.  I almost feel like PT is my second home.  In every room they have pictures, and mood lighting(haha), some better than others.  My favorite is a big picture of a Fox and her babies and at the bottom there's a quote that I absolutely love!




"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong…because sometime in your life you will have been all of these."


 XO Loves,


Me

End of the Term

Oregon schools are on a quarter system as opposed to the more common semester.  I'm pretty fond of it, because we don't start until the last week in September(that way we can go to the Pendleton Round-Up), and terms only last 10 weeks.  Tomorrow is week 10!  I only had 3 classes this term, and only have 2 Real finals.  Tuesday I have dinner and a movie for my Anthropology final, and then Range on Wednesday and Math on Thursday.  Friday my cousin gets here at 4:30 in the morning.  He graciously agreed to ride the Greyhound up here and help me drive home.  It's only 10 hours or so, straight, but I'm taking horses home and that makes for a longer trip.  Me in a rig, driving long distances just isn't a good combo anymore.  Lucky for me I've got a cousin who likes to travel!

I've only been gone 3 months, but Winter Break is the only time I really get to go home for any length of time.  And I am super excited!  My parents put in a new floor, and got new furniture upstairs, meaning the re-model is officially over.  I think... It will also be Ms. Macies family debut.  A lot going on, and a lot to look forward to.      Let's not forget, it's Christmas Time folks!!!!




Xo Loves,


Me

My New Puppy!

So as some of you know, I lost my heeler, Fanncie this summer.  She was only 8 and it was definitely not her time.  I was devastated. Fanncie had 2 litters, one purebred and one with an Australian Shepard.  I didn't get to keep a puppy out of either litter.  My plan was to breed to another heeler and keep one of those, but my Border Collie Aussie got to her first.  I was moving to Colorado to work for the summer so my parents fixed her.  But the Lord does work in mysterious ways, the first of October I got a text from an old friend.  He said that the female they bought from Fanc's last litter had just had puppies!   I was SO pumped and just Had to have one.  Last Friday, I got her!  Little Miss Macie is 3/4 Queensland Heeler and 1/4 Australian Shepard( I don't hold it against her).  Her daddy was actually imported from Australia.  She looks completely heeler with the exception of a blue eye, and I just love the little monster.  So here are a few pictures.....

Her mama, Skagit has a blue eye, as did her grandpa.  I'd like to take this opportunity to brag on Fanncie a little.  Skagit belongs to a stock contractor, and he said she's the best dog he's ever had.  Yep yep, Fanncie had great pups.  So needless to say I have high hopes for my little replacement.



Xo  Loves,



Me

Thanksgiving.... Last Year

I've spent a lot of holidays alone, some completely alone, others with other families.  The price I've paid for being a little gypsy ;)  It was hard at first, but got easier as I got older.  

I moved back home in 2011.  It was wonderful, I got to celebrate my mama and papas birthday, my sister and brothers, and mine with family.  Last Thanksgiving was a truly special event, and probably one of the most memorable.  My sister is the only one of us that's married, so they split Thanksgiving and Christmas up between each family.  Last year it was our year for Christmas, but not Thanksgiving.  So it was just my parents, my brother and I. 

A couple weeks before Thanksgiving, my parents were off visiting my sister, leaving my brother and I in charge of calving.  I got home from work one night late, and noticed some calves in the pole barn.  I drove up to the house, and got my brother, and we went back down to fix fence.  It was raining, pretty late and I'm so surprised my brother and I got along so well.  What I didn't know was that he had left a pot of hot dogs boiling on the stove.  He didn't go back to the house, and I wasn't living there.  The next morning what he found was a disastrous mess, but thankfully the house was still standing.  The end result was some serious smoke damage of everything in our parents house.  My parents were outraged, my brother felt awful, but we were all So thankful that the house survived.  The smell was atrocious.  My mom spent the first couple nights in a motel, my dad toughed it out, but shouldn't have been breathing that stuff in.  For a week, every window in the house was open, and it was bitter cold inside there.  I took the bird, the cat and my mom.  Finally the insurance sent in a team, and my dad moved out. 

I was living in my grandparents old house, and my mom and dad were staying in my dads old room.  It was so nice!  My brother would come down during the day and start a fire for us all.  We had family dinners every night.  Problem was, I didn't have a dining room table.  Or really any chairs, or anywhere to sit.  But it was so special to see my papas reaction.  He hadn't slept in that house in almost 40 years.  A lot of memories came back.  He only came in the back door, because his mom would get mad if they drudged their dirty boots through the house. 

Thanksgiving rolled around.  Mom brought down a card table, my cousin brought over some fold up chairs, we were set!  My oven wasn't very big, so we just cooked a breast, made some stuffing, mashed potatoes and biscuits.  It was a fairly sparse spread, but I didn't have anything to cook with.  So we did the best we could with what we had.  And it was very nice!  Even though my sister wasn't able to be there, it was special.  It was my dads first Thanksgiving dinner in his old house since the mid 70's.  It meant so much to him, and it warmed my heart to see how happy he was.  He told us stories of his childhood, him and his brother fighting, playing army under the house, milking cows and cream separating...  I didn't know my grandparents very well, so spending a holiday in the home they built together meant more to me than I can express.  There was a lot of laughing, a lot of whiskey and wine and a few tears.  It was a day for the books!

There's only ever been one other Thanksgiving that was as special.  So as I prepare to spend yet again another T-Day without my family I remember the truly happy and amazing holidays I have gotten to spend with them.  And look even more forward to going home for Christmas!


So Happy Thanksgiving everyone and don't ever take your family and friends for granted, no matter how crazy they make you!!!!!




Xo Loves,



Me

Sunday

As I'm lazily hanging out with the roommates, doing a little homework, I found this photo on FB. I think it pretty much just says it all.  Things we should all remember, and keep in mind for everything we do in life.
 So enjoy your Sunday, because Monday comes all too soon!




Xo Loves,

Me

Today I Did

Today I did it.  I did show up to my first class ten minutes early.  I was prepared for the exam, and ready to show my teacher I am something. 

Tuesday I was completely humiliated by a professor.  I have anxiety so walking up in front of a large class is hard enough, but it's worse when the teacher rudely dismisses you and makes you feel as big as a pea.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  I didn't allow him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me.  I desperately wanted to grab my books and run out of there as fast as I could, but I didn't.  I calmly sat down, took notes and held my head high.  Even though inside I felt horrible.

Today we had our last test before finals.  The whole class is review for me, and in general isn't that tough.  I quickly hammered out the stocking rates, and moved onto grasses, which proved a little more difficult.  30 minutes into the class it happened.  The familiar racing of the heart, rolling, grumbling, churning of the stomach, and the all too intense feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest.  I needed to leave.  My test was almost done, but I knew I had to stay.  So I took some deep breaths, concentrated really hard on, well, you know, being Awesome!  It didn't really help though, the overall feeling of panic continued to grow.  I struggled through a couple questions, but tried my hardest because for some reason my teacher doesn't seem to really like me.  The toughest part of that is he's also my adviser, albeit a bad one.  I finished 15 minutes later and jetted out of there!

The uncomfortable, anxious feeling stayed with me all day...  After class a friend and I went to the Auction, where a particularly mean, horned cow tried slamming through the gate to eat us.  There were as usual, a couple horses there, and even a few Alpacas.   I wanted to pet them but I think one of them wanted to spit on me instead.  A sad looking little 5 month old filly sold for a whopping $5, and the Alpacas went for $1 each.  We ate, I got more coffee and I felt better.  I got a short nap later, then headed out to work with my horses.  Besides the rope burns inflicted by my filly, that was relaxing too.

Today was hard.  I realize that normal for me is not normal for everyone else, but I'm ok with that.  I generally have to leave school when my anxiety hits, but today I didn't. Today I did it.  I overcame the debilitating mental pressure that plagues me.  And for that I'm proud of myself. 

Wesley Woo said  "To succeed you must first improve, to improve you must first practice, to practice you must first learn, and to learn you must first fail."   So I will continue to practice and improve.


Xo Loves,


Me

Today I Will

I started this 2 days ago, but I can't post from my phone anymore, lame I know.
I really need to be working on my 1200 word paper that's due tonight at midnight, but I needed a break for some recreational writing.

I have a friend that had a crazy whirlwind relationship years ago, it ended in divorce but she has 3 wonderful children to show for it. Her relationship was a lot like mine with my ex!  It went from one extreme to another, we both have neither loved nor hated as much as we did with those men.

At the end of each experience there's a period of reconstruction.  I'm still going through mine.  My friend gave me a set of inspiration cards.  The Language of Letting Go.  I really like them.  So every day I spread them out, close my eyes and choose a card.  My favorite so far is about still being lovable.

Today I Will-- tell myself that I'm lovable. Just because some people haven't been able to love me in ways that worked doesn't mean that I'm unlovable. I've had lessons to learn, and some of them have hurt deeply, but I can still love, and I still am loved.

So no matter what, always know, someone still loves you!



Xoxo Loves,


Me

Horses and Souls

“When I bestride him, I soar, I am a hawk: he trots the air; the earth sings when he touches it; the basest horn of his hoof is more musical than the pipe of Hermes. ”
― William Shakespeare, Henry V  

This quote quite perfectly describes what I feel when I'm with horses.  I'm a friendly person, but I'd rather spend time watching and working horses than wandering around large crowds of humans.  Throughout the past several years, horses have gotten me through some tough times.  The horses themselves were sometimes tough, but it gave me something else to think about.  Something to put all my energy into, to concentrate on and wear myself out over.  When I'm on a horse, or working with a colt, my mind is blank.  My heart rate slows, my breathing calms, I lose all inhibitions, worry, stress and pain.  Its just me and them.  Horses have forever calmed my soul.  I don't know exactly what they feel, I can't talk to them.  But I can change their body to change their mind.  The moment when they drop their head, lick their lips and soften their eye always satisfies me.  Even if we don't accomplish anything else, I know for that period of time they let me see them.  For that moment I feel as though our souls connected.  So, tonight I thought I'd share some photos of the horses that are currently helping me to forget.

Friends

I'd like to start this post off with a little quote.  I can't remember it word for word, but this is how I recall it:  Friends are like leaves, found everywhere: True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare.  This saying has stuck with me my entire life.  I remember reading it time and time again off of a plate at my grandparents house.

I've had a lot of friends throughout my short life.  Some good, some bad, but I've learned something from them all.  They've all played a part in making me the person I am today.  Some I miss, some I wish I never met.  Some are gone, some are still apart of my life.

I'm loud.  I like to laugh, a lot.  I smile too big.  My friends?  They laugh at me.  And I make them loud too.  Overwhelming is occasionally mentioned.  I find myself occasionally being very attached to my friends.  The result, I end up acting like them.  Which is definitely not always a good thing.  Best friends are very important for girls.  But I've grown.  And I've realized that not every friend is best friend worthy.  Some friends are just 3 gallons of crazy!

Friends can be taxing, emotionally draining, hurtful, encouraging, supportive and exciting.  Some friends are a couple of these things, some are all of the above.  No matter what, they all played a major part in our lives at some time.  So even though we've said good bye to some, would like to forget some and some are still playing vital roles in our todays, we should all say Thank You.  Thank You for being my leaves and diamonds....



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Searching

I'm young.  At least compared to life, I'm still young.  I'm restless.  Ill at ease.  Unsure of my path and broken.  For now I'm like Humpty Dumpty trying to put all the pieces back together again.

My Senior year of high school I dropped my classes and cancelled my dorm room at a local college.  The same week I had a new adviser and several phone meetings set up to schedule my first term at a college 9 hours way.  I spent 2 1/2 years there, but can't remember how many houses I lived in.  For an entire term my best friend and I slept on an air mattress in a friends room.  For which, we each paid $200. 

Summers were spent all over.  Ideas and dreams constantly changing.  Rodeos here and there.  Even before I lost my love, I was searching.  Although I didn't know it then because I thought I was happy wherever he was.  But fire and gasoline are never a safe combination.  We went our separate ways.  And I'm still searching.  I don't know what it is I'm hoping to find.  Something tangible, a feeling, a place or a person.  I don't even know how or if I'll know it when I find it.  Somehow I just don't think Angels will be singing...

So for now I'll settle for the unsatiable restless feeling I live with.  I'll continue to roam and travel and experience.  And hope that one day, I'll find what my heart's been searching for.



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Freedom

                    (My favorite mare, Zenyatta, showcasing her unbelievable 28ft stride at Del Mar)

Not only am I a descendent of peoples that have warred over the centuries, but all of the men in my family have crossed oceans to fight and protect our freedom.  Freedom can mean several things for example; "the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint" or "the power to determine action without restraint".  Everyone understands this form of freedom.  But not everyone has experienced the kind of freedom that is only felt.

As the sky lightens and the sun creeps towards the top of the ridge I think about what it means to truly feel free.  Granted I'm only watching the sun rise because I haven't gone to bed yet.  The fresh, crisp, clean smell of early morning almost assaults my sleepy senses.  The air is cool, I haven't slept and I'm free to do as I please.  With no one to tell me different.

But horses, horses are different.  Some are wild and free, some are captive and free and the less fortunate are restrained.  I've recently began a new adventure.  A quest to better my skills and gain as much knowledge as possible.  I've seen wild horses, horses kept in fields, pastures, big pens and stables.  And they all have a different look in their eye.  Freedom.  Some have it, some yearn for it and some will never know it's sweet release.

Race Horses.  They're trained hard at a young age, kept in stalls and fed high energy diets.  Every move planned, every action accounted for.  But on race day, on the track, they get to be free.  Even if it's only a matter of a few seconds.  The perfect rhythm between breath and heartbeat.  The horses that love to run live for those moments of freedom.

Millions of people take riding for granted, but that's because they've never allowed themselves to feel free on the back of a horse.  It's always amazed me, when someone more experienced can take your normal horse and quickly get more from them than you ever have.  My big red mare loves to run.  She's an appendix, so I suppose it's been bred into her.  The difference is, she also has heart.  She's fast, and sometimes that raw power and crazy speed scares me.  She's a great horse and has always taken care of me.  It's that split second when I let her go, that quick feeling of panic, of relinquishing control as I feel the power in her muscles, her stride lengthen and her head reach out that I feel free.  I smile with reckless abandon when I let her gallop in the dark.  Having total faith in her love of freedom because I have no other choice.

Horses are a grand example of what it's like to feel free, even for a short time.  You can see it in their eyes, the way they carry their heads, hold their tails and run like their world goes on forever.  I appreciate, treasure, love and wonder at: Freedom.


Xoxo Loves,

Me

Growing Up

It's almost midnight, and I'm seriously caught up in my new library book.  As I forced myself to put it down and brush my teeth, I started to realize how much I've grown up in the last 3 years.  As the youngest of three by 8 years, I'm typically always looked at as "the baby".  And while yes, that is true, "the baby" is now 25 years old.  I haven't been a part of this world all that long compared to most, but I can honestly say I've lived.

 From a child I've always acted older than I was.  Then I went away to college and I got to be me.  Just me.  A young and impressionable 18 year old me.  I did well.  I made friends quickly, I adapted to the high desert way of life.  I fell in love.  I moved a lot.  My family affectionately called me a gypsy and joked that from week to week they didn't know where I was or what I was doing.  A fact that I'm sure caused my mama and papa much angst.  I graduated with an Associate of Science degree and moved across state.  A decision that proved to be detrimental to my young life.  I lived in King's Valley outside of Corvallis for 6 months.  It may or may not have caused the end of my relationship, but either way its the place that caused me most emotional and physical harm.  Thankfully that summer I got an internship with BLM and I moved to SW Colorado!  I worked long hours, and any spare time I had was spent at a ranch riding race broke colts.  I loved my government experience, but I learned so much from the old man I worked for 'after hours'.  He was going through some tough times health wise and I couldn't have been happier to help him out in his time of need.

 I came back to Oregon feeling like a million bucks.  But somewhere during fall term I fell apart.  Friends and family tried to help, but how can you help someone who doesn't even know whats truly wrong?  I had several long talks with my daddy, talks that drew us closer with me being an adult.  But they didn't help.  I made several more out of state moves before finally deciding to just move home.  I was severely unhealthy.  I was overweight, had no energy and slept more than is humanly normal.  The worse part, no one could figure out just what my problem was.  So for a few months I had a chauffeur pretty much everywhere I went.  I got a job downriver and thankfully got to car pool with my mama.  My body was constantly totally exhausted.  I had 2 sleep studies with total opposite results, ending with the thought I may just be narcoleptic.  Finally an intense blood work up was done, and we had our answers.  I was deficient in almost everything, and I had toxic levels of several heavy metals.  Basically my poor body was just shutting down.  Immediate action was taken, and it wasn't long before I could actually stay awake on the car rides home.  Then on the way to work I would chat with my mama.  Finally I was again driving myself.

It's been a year and five months since I moved back, and not only am I healthier, but I've grown up.  I'm not as quick to anger, I try harder to think about how my actions affect others before I act, I like music I used to think was too 'old timey', places I've lived seem more dear, friendships more important, faith strengthened and a new religion found.  History and stories about where I come from desperately searched for.  I've had several pretty life altering events occur in my life, starting at the young age of 10.  But I'm proud to say that I've rallied back and done what I can to make my life better afterwards.  I had a nice chat with my daddy on the phone the other night(even though he's only a mile away) and he told me how proud he was of how far I've come in the last year especially.  That it's been a long road, but that I've finally figured it out for myself and I'm headed in the right direction.  He's always told me he didn't care if I was a janitor, as long as I was truly happy.  It's been awhile, but along with growing up, I've found my happiness again.   And that's something I'm truly proud of...



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Hoof-falls, Crickets and Jingle-bells

I don't know if you've noticed a trend, but I Love the night!  I'm absolutely terrified of Mountain Lions, but other than the things that go bump in the night I love it.  There's something especially magical about summer nights.  The heat of the day is gone, most people are at home, the world is quiet and somehow softer.

Lately my big sorrel mare has been somewhat crazy.  But tonight I put an English saddle on her and she became a totally different horse.  Jax and I headed out into the fading light.  Head down on a loose rein we trotted off to my parents.  Unlike most of our rides I didn't have to fight her to keep her at a trot.  I had a nice little visit in the yard with my papa before heading back home.

 There was no moon tonight and all I could see was the pale path of the road and the silhouette of my horse.  As the tree canopy closed over us, we became totally engulfed in the darkness.  At that point I had total trust in my horse.  When the road opened up, I let my mare lope.  It was amazing.  I haven't ridden in the dark in a long time.  Loping down the road, without having the advantage of sight is a totally liberating experience.  For those few seconds I was completely free. 

It was just me and my horse.  The sound of my mares hoof-falls, crickets and jingle-bells.  And whatever creatures that happened to be lurking in the night.

Xoxo Loves,


Me

Sunsets and Fairytales

Sun sank low.  Green fields and hazy pink skies.  The smoldering heat of the day slowly dissipating.  Another fun whirlwind weekend over.  Evening chores done.  Sprinkler sprinkling, fans on high.  Finally a chance to sit on my porch and just Be.  Sitting outside writing in the semi-dark, listening to my favorite artist, ever.  Her and her sister have been and continue to inspire me.  They allow us to believe in who we are and encourage all to be who they've always wanted to be.  To continue to learn and grow and to never give up on a dream.

I've kind of been reflecting on the men I've had in my life(they should be so lucky!).  The good and the bad.  Mistakes made and lessons learned.  Nearing the end of this chapter in my life.  And like the pretty, smoky sunset tonight I'm laying to rest all the negative, bad and sad.  Tomorrow's sunrise is my first day of this new found freedom.  43 days until school begins.  43 days to just be me.

I must admit it's been quite awhile since I was actually excited about school.  I've missed my friends and the life I had in E. OR.  It's hard to be so far from family, and it's rare I get the chance to come home, but I love it.  I look forward to the new experiences, new people and new memories.  This time I'm ready for it all.  After-all it is my fairytale and I'll live it however I so choose...

Xoxo Loves,

Me

I Still Love You

"Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore.  You lost the love I loved the most.  I learned to live half a life.  Now you want me one more time. Who do you think you are?"


I had a fantastic weekend.  Rodeo, beer, music and dancing, horses and family.  But while spending time with my cousins, I saw something in them that I live with in myself.  The in-ability to mend a broken heart.

It's been three years since my world fell apart.  Less than one since all contact ended.  It was the best yet worse thing that has ever happened to me.  The highlight of my life until I lost my love and my health.  It's been a long three years but finally I feel healthy again. I still have a ways to go, but I'm so proud of how far I've come.  My emotions however, have been harder to heal.  We were perfect in so many ways, but we also had tornado in a small town days too.  It's these days I now seem to have forgotten.  The petty fights and harsh words nothing but a faint memory.  I remember the good, hell the great.  I haven't felt that since, and sometimes wonder if I ever will again.  You can apologize, plead and hope, but sometimes nothings ever enough.  I had my days of mourning the past, the self-pity, the hate, regret, a sense of total loss.  Now, I'm just empty.

This weekend I saw the same emptiness in the eyes of my cousins.  The distracted conversations and sudden disappearances.  Ending in the attempt to lose themselves in the arms of another woman.  These boys are brothers and look out for each other, but they don't know how to fix this kind of broken.  They're both completely confused.  The oldest more lost than the other.  I hurt for them because the same pain is still so real for me.  My heart has become a ghost and I miss the one I loved the most.

Love should be easy.  Life isn't, but the true act of loving is the most basic aspect of our lives.  It comes to us naturally, some ignore it, some mistake it for other feelings, and the lucky simply enjoy it.  We all know if it's meant to be so shall it be.  But it's that revelation we can't always come to terms with. 

I wish I could help my cousins, but men don't listen to women well (unless it's their mama).  What's the point in experience if you can't help others. 

I still love you and always will, but we'll never get back what once was, alone or apart.

I Can Laugh

I laughed tonight. Truly and Fully.

My life's highway has gotten a little rough lately.  But I hear a paving crew's coming soon.

When I left work tonight, a half-naked man was standing outside by the soda machines.  Now this isn't just any random man.  He looks homeless but isn't and his name's Joe(last name omitted for privacy of course).  Joe has 3 dogs and a formerly homeless. currently crazy lady and her 2 kids living with him.  He must be in his 50's.  Scruffy, scrubby and icky.  Today his fashion astounded me.  No shirt, cargo shorts, knee-high black socks and his man purse that has chickens on it.

As I drove past the store, Joe was chillin'.  Get this, leaning on against a post, legs crossed, arms crossed, cooly sippin' on a soda.  Like James Dean or something!  I'm not sure why I found this so funny.  But the site completely amused me.  I'm generally a happy person, but I haven't laughed like that in, well I don't know how long.  It didn't last long, but the happiness flowed through my entire body.

It was nice to finally truly laugh again....




xoxo loves,

Me

Missing You

I miss his gruff voice.  Their loving bickering.  The smell of her Tabu perfume.  The familiar clink of ice in the nightly high-ball.  The strong hand that ran our family.

I  miss the sound of him chewing gum.  The seriousness of every look.  The tall quiet southern man who was once the bull of the woods.

I miss his arms around me, his chin resting on the top of my head. The sense of belonging.  Being loved.  Feeling safe.  His crooked flat hat.  The blue eyes that looked into my soul.

I miss his semi-negative influence.  The uncanny way he always knew when I was down.  The fun we had.  My friend.

I miss her clunky rough gate.  Her very female attitude.  Her silky soft coat.  Her big round feet.  We were a team.  She took care of me every time out.

I miss the sound of her jingle-bell.  How tiny she was.  She growled and barked at every stranger, and every boy.  Even getting locked out of my pickup in subzero temperatures.  Her warmth at my feet under the covers.

I miss her fierce little face.  Her scars from battles won.  Her undying loyalty.  Constantly stumbling over her because she always had to be close.  Her protective nature.  My best friend.

I miss the love lost, the friends of my past.  Feelings felt and torn.  I miss what for now are my good ole' days.

But I don't miss the heartache and pain.  I'm just missing you.



Xoxo Loves,

Me

Moonlight and Crickets

When I started writing this, there was a full moon.  Tonight there really is no moonlight.  Which is a pity because it makes everything look so beautiful.  Tonight it's just stars and crickets...

There's millions and billions and trillions of stars outside.  Twinkling, blinking and burning.  So far away the distance is unfathomable.  From my front porch I can't see much.  Partly because I have to have a light on to write and partly because trees and a mountain block my view.  But walking across the yard earlier when I got home, I noticed the Big Dipper was right over my little green house.  Or so it seems anyway.

A soft breeze blows down the creek.  Rustling the leaves of the orchard around me.  Apple trees my dad played under as a little boy.  Huge un-identifiable trees that have endured floods, storms, passing of family and time.

I love cool summer nights.  It's 70 degrees.  Crickets chirping in the background.  The crunch of bone my dog's chewing on.  The oh so familiar sound of my black dogs' dog tags.  The fan desperately trying to blow cool air into the house.  The occasional sound of bats as they blitz around in search of food.  The cats rustling in the tall grass before the dogs chase them off. 

As I continue my nightly gazing of the stars, I'm comforted by the fact that they're the same stars the man I once thought of as the love of my life sees, as well as the man who actually will be.  No matter where we are, the sky is always the same.  Giving people who are hundreds of miles apart a sense of connection.  A bond that can't be broken until the break of day...


XOXO Loves


Me

Fanncie

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The sound of the rain falling outside, matches that of the tears falling from my eyes.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

My heart pulls as I remember her last days.

It breaks when I remember the pain.

The tears flow harder than the rain.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

5 weeks, 17; 8 and 25

Eyes puffy, face wet.

She's one Dingo I'll never forget.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Who Are You?

It's late, I'm tapping away on my new laptop(which I love btw), and listening to my favorite artist, Adrian Buckaroogirl.  And thinking, just thinking...

I love the Buckaroo Barbie blog, and Miss BB has been quite prolific lately. She's a very inspiring young woman.  One of her recent posts was about who you are and where you're going.  Are you the woman you want to be? 

With the exception of wanting to learn So many new things, 7 years ago I probably would have said Yes.  But life has a way of getting in the way.  Along with wonderful new experiences, I've endured pain, loss and heartache. Ohhh the heartache!  At times I've felt totally defeated.  I've been told it's not humanly possible to remember actual physical pain.  But what about emotional pain?  It too fades with time.  And we're left with beautiful memories and invaluable experiences that have made us stronger.

My world seems to quite the roller coaster.  Just when I draw a good hand, life calls and throws down aces.  I used to be really strong willed.  I dealt with tragedy like anything else, with quiet ease.  Somewhere along the line, I lost that ability.  With each blow it becomes increasingly harder to stand up. 

So who do I want to be?  Simple.  The girl I was at 18.  Strong, independent, intelligent, driven, honest, passionate and easy going.  I haven't lost all desireable traits, just enough to know I've strayed from the woman I was set to be.  Some of the starch has been washed out of me, and I just want to feel that fire again.  I want to stand tall and let no man intimidate me.  I want the patience of the Dalai Lama.  The drive of a US Attorney Marshall. 

If I had written this even 2 years ago, the list would have been much longer.  In the right direction I Am headed.  But pain, loss and tears are never far.  This is where I get stuck.  How do I  continue to get healthy and grow when the damned speed bumps are so close together?  I know life isn't fair, but don't we get breaks?  I've come a long way in the last year and know I have a whole life to go.  Let's add patience, tolerance and level-headed thinking to the list. 

We all have some positive things to look forward to.  Step 1- concentrate on them.  Like the way my new poly rope feels, how awesome my lime green flower looks on my palm leaf.  Or how excited I am that my big, rangy paint is really starting to soften up.  Hell, my mama drew a local Bull Elk tag, who couldn't get pumped about That?!

So as I sit here, I'll continue to ponder my life, the road I'm on and where it's leading me.  Maybe I'll have an epiphany.  Or, maybe I'll just look forward to moving back to Eastern Oregon...

"Let 'er buck gals, grab some mane, tear some hair. Let 'er buck gals he ain't gettin anywhere. Let 'er buck gals this life aint dead yet. Let 'er buck gals just spur 'em in the neck."  (Adrian. 100 Pounds. Buckaroogirl.)


XO

Me

Great-great Grandpa Bratt and A Bear Den

This isn't the actual location of the story I'm about to tell.  It actually took place about a mile further up the creek, but this gives you a general idea of the scenery ;)

We've heard this story before, as kids, but you know how that goes, you always forget.  The TV was on, and a show preview was playing, something about a bear in a den.  As my mamas finishing up breakfast I say to my papa, "Who would dive in a den after a bear anyways?!" He replies, "Well Great-Grandpa Bratt did!"  I laughed at even the thought, but knowing in my heart that the crazy Scot would definitely do just such a thing! I apparently had been too young to remember the story, or had just forgotten over the years...

My great-great grandparents lived at the base of the mountain on the other side of the creek, the house is long gone now, with the streambed now in its place.  Grandpa Bratt used to randomly go bear hunting, he had hounds, and he'd just take off for days.  No one knowing if he was alive or dead.  They had 4 girls, which just devastated my grandpa, he of course, wanted boys.  So, each girl also had a mans name :) My great-grandma was Grace, or Bob to her papa. Then there was Winifred or Bill, Vivian or Josh and Gladys or Jim. You can't blame a guy for wishing! 

He'd been out for a couple days, had seen some sign, but no bears.  He knew there was a den up on the hill, but hadn't been able to tree its inhabitants. He needed help.  Home he goes to fetch Bill (Winifred), who was somewhere around 11 years old.  Off they go up the creek, lantern in hand.  It was early morning, and they sat and watched all day.  Bills job was to watch for the bear to go in the den, which was more of a cave under an old tree stump, find and tell her papa it was home.  Poor little Bill had just about had enough of this hurry up and wait stuff, when sure enough, the bear comes trundling down the hill.  She scampers off to tell her papa that it's back.  So grandpa(Sam) hands her his rifle, and with nothing but a pistol heads in after it!  This is sort of what Bill heard after he crawled in the den: lots of cussing, growling and snarling, and a gun-shot.  Then! More growling, more cussing, and another shot!   Out comes grandpa....   Who began cussing at Bill.  He accused her of lying, she told him no, papa, it went in there, I saw it.  Yea he said, but you didn't tell me there was two of em!

AHAHAHAA!!!!   What a story.  He was a stubborn, onery old Scotsmen who wished for boys and got all girls.  He did some pretty crazy things, but thats what history's made of! I can't even imagine doing such a thing these days, nor have I heard of anyone crawling in a bears den, after the bear.

XOXO Loves

Me

Horse Creek Winter

I took this photo last week from the hay barn, when we finally got Snow.  I think winter has taken awhile getting to everyone this year, but I was so excited to wake up to real snow, Finally! 

Unfortunately, I had to work every day we had good snow.  Makes it difficult to get good pictures.  Elevation wise we're only 1500 ft.  So unless its a good winter, we generally don't get snow, just cold rain.  We also live in a canyon, so most storms blow right over us.  Or on the rare bad winter occasion, the storm sits right over our canyon and hits us hard!   It's these winters, that I Love most!!!  The Klamath River may have a low elevation, but it's steep, mountainous terrain, and we're blessed enough to have 4 actual seasons. 

I took this picture Friday morning before I left with a pickup-bed full of beef.  Notice the mountain in the far back still looks the same, but dang it, most of the snow has been rained off! I don't think the replacement heifers are happy about it either!  At least with the snow they weren't soaked through.  The donkeys are still holed up in the barn.  They have the whole corral to roam in, but haven't yet left the dry solace of the shed.  They act as if they're locked in.  And bray and bray whenever they hear the front door open.  Silly donkeys!  It pretty much rained all day, so I thought I'd take this time to write a quick post!

XOXO Loves

Me